MiSS CuriouS

Losing the Battle. Really?

2010-02-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am against a clock. Consciously I don’t see it as the ‘baby’ clock because I don’t particularly want my own babies when there are so many in the world already who don’t have someone to love them. So then, what is it? Am I so afraid of being alone? What does that even mean? I had fun tonight with a friend. I had fun last night with a friend. I like having alone time. I like reading trashy books and watching Masterpiece Theater miniseries. These things make me happy. And yet, there is still this longing. So much of what I’ve written has been about love and relationships and everyone wants to hear about those subjects because everyone else is thinking about them too. This must mean then, our purpose is indeed to couple up, reproduce, and insure our genes continue through generations… the Selfish Gene Dawkins says. If you give me one human behavior, I can find its origin in the selfish gene. I have this battle with my genetic make-up. I can easily sit here and say that I should be happy keeping my own schedule, enjoying time with my friends, reading, going to the movies, listening to music, etc. Yes, these things make me happy, but in the back of my mind is that need to partner up. I’m 31 now. How did I get here so quickly? I don’t even understand. I see my face age, my body age… I couldn’t find the ‘one’ when I was thinner and had fewer freckles (rather age spots), how in the world will I find someone now.

Oh my fucking god. Oh my god. Why can’t I fight this desire. This inherent desire. I am no match for genetics. My selfish genes are winning the race. Seriously? How can they be winning?!?! I can’t even imagine being fully, being completely happy without someone else. I live with this hope that one day it will happen. When I was 21, I thought I would certainly be with someone at 31. But yet, here I am without even a prospect. And why oh why do I care??! It’s unbelievable really. How I can recognize this desire as being unnecessary, as an inhibitor, and still desperately want it?! I logically don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t understand how at this point I’m not stronger than this irrational desire. Perhaps if I fell into the category of genuinely wanting my own children, I could understand why I’m feeling such a pressure.

I really and truly don't understand how i can't overcome this. I don't. I really don't. And even now, in this psychotic spiral, I want to say "where is he already?!" Really?!?!

It

2009-01-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

I was just going through old documents and came across one title "It", most likely titled that because the document started with the word "It". Anyway, you'll note the song I was listening to when I wrote It. It just so happens that the same song popped up on my iPod. I felt like posting it to no one out there as I haven't written on this in like 6 months. But, here I am.

It’s Friday night. I’m sitting on my floor eating white rice with low sodium soy sauce. With or Without You is playing on my iPod. I haven’t listened to that song in a very long time. It’s funny how over the years lyrics assume different meanings.

What struck me are a few lyrics placed completely out of order and lyrics that are completely simple, but for whatever reason, they sparked a little something in me this evening.

"And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away…
My body bruised…
And [I] have nothing left to lose."

In the world of love for Miss Curious, ‘tis true. I’ve given myself away. My body’s bruised. But then… I’m surprisingly taking a positive spin on that last lyric… it’s okay for me to keep giving in to the pursuit of love because really, I’ve felt like a dumbass, an asshole, broken hearted, homicidal, suicidal… hahaha… so yeah, really, what do I have to lose? What’s left to feel? Well, one great love I suppose.

So where is he already?

Why Tonight?

2008-06-07T22:24:00.001-07:00

Since I’ve started hanging out with the straight folks and going to straight bars and meeting straight guys, I’ve found myself so disenchanted. I often thought that perhaps if I hung out with more straight people, I’d meet some dude to have regular sex with and sometimes good conversation.

But really, I’ve realized the male situation is bleak. The male situation is really a matter of the stars aligning. There are millions of factors that need to be in place for two people to fall in love and to stay together. It seems almost impossible.

Sometimes I go out in hopes of maybe meeting someone. Silly, I know. Then I wonder, how many nights have I been out, how many men have I met, how many men have I dated… and why, why would tonight be the night I met the person with whom I’d spend the rest of my life?

Don't Know Where To Begin

2008-05-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm getting old.

My annual sorority trip to Vegas was this weekend and craziest things that happened were my juvenile pranks. These pranks included purchasing fake shit at a Houdini shop and placing it in the bathroom of LaSassy. They also included my weekend search for naked chick - "Girls come to you" advertising cards with the names of friends in our group. I only came upon one and did manage to sneak it into her wallet much to her surprise and plenty of chuckles from those in on it.

Perhaps such pranks negate my "I'm getting old comment," so I suppose I should qualify that statement. Every year there is some insane story that brings us back to college negligence and if only our mother's knew.

This year, however, I found myself as one of the first persons to go back to the hotel room, bust open a bottle of champagne, and sit on the floor with a couple other geriatrics.

So, there's the Vegas recap.

BOYS:

Anyone remember my post where I described this perfect date with a guy, but requested that no one ask me about it?

Well, no one seems to go away forever in Miss Curious' world. This dude, let's call him Text Message, had been a question in the back of my mind. Any time I'd meet new guys or think about old guys, I was starting to compare them to my brief encounters with Text Message.

We stopped communicating a while back, but I out of the blue decided to drunk dial him.

Here's where two stories intersect. I'll begin the other one here:

Now that I work in Straightsville, I have a co-worker that has all these straight guy friends. The two of us have been hanging out quite a bit lately, which means I've been hanging out with her straight guy friends too.

One night, her friend, let's call him Anal, sat across from me. He proceeded to say a million totally inappropriate things, and since I'm known for inappropriate, I had to step up my game. The conversation ended up, like most conversations end, with me telling him that he should let me stick my finger up his ass. Partly because he needed inappropriate comments thrown back at him and partly because he is insanely anal. (hence the name, Anal)

We all said our good-byes, and I of course decided I had a big crush on him. I then saw him at her house-warming party that coming weekend. What do all people do when they have a crush on someone?!? Ignore him or her.

I proceeded to ignore him, and when I left, he gave me a huge hug and said, "good-bye beautiful." I almost swooning-sigh almost parted my lips.

A week later a huge group of their friends were going to happy hour. My game plan was to again, ignore him. I told a friend of mine that on Monday I'd tell her all about how I ignored him all evening.

That night I watched him from the corner of my eye. He took no notice of me. Then this other guy kept talking to me and so rudely interrupted the tab I was keeping on Anal. Let's call this other guy, Russia.

But then, Russia's conversation began to hold my attention. Before I knew it, we'd been talking for what seemed like hours. Affections began to develop for him. He seemed to be interviewing me "what do I do" "how old am I" "what do I look for in a relationship". Then, we discussed sex for the rest of the time along with another (perhaps gay male). Russia kept putting his arm around me and squeezing me in. He was so warm.

I kept eyeing his soft lips almost to a point where I thought he noticed just like chicks notice when a guy eyes her chest.

At the end of the night, he said something to the effect of, "too bad you work with our mutual friend." What?!?!

Before I left, I gave Anal a big hug, who then said, "why did you ignore me all night?"

Of course in my head, I'm like, "he noticed-he noticed!!!" If a guy didn't care, wouldn't he just say good night, good to see or just good-bye? But now, my affections were turned to Russia.

I then couldn't wait to see Russia again. The time came a week later when I went out to happy hour with our mutual friend. We drank outdoors, and I asked if Russia might be dropping by (oh so slyly as to not give away my crusch). When it seemed he would never come, I finally hopped in a cab and went home.

Since I hadn't eaten dinner and had been drinking margaritas in the sun for hours, I had a huge buzz going on. I wasn't ready for the night to end.

Here's where the stories converge:

I then decided to get online, log-on to my verizon wireless bill, and retrieve Text Message's telephone number. Determined yes. Despite realizing there are single straight men in San Francisco, I still had Text Message as that question mark in the back of my head because he was seemingly wonderful.

I called him, but got no answer.

The phone rang. It was mutual friend who was in a cab on her way to meet Russia. She told me to get my ass out again. Naturally I went, haha!

I hadn't realized I was walking into the birthday party of his model-esque girlfriend. He suddenly turned into a Mr. Big type (Sex and the City character for those of you who don't know) who dates models and actresses, but should really be into me :-).

She left shortly after I got there, and he sat down next to me to chat. It was late. The bar was closing, and the three of us weren't ready to leave. We decided to cab to my place. Soon enough our mutual friend decided to leave. Russia decided to stay.

We then kissed a tad and crashed since we were both exhausted. Cuddling was involved in the falling-asleep process. Cute, sweet cuddling.

In the morning we made out a bit. He made a conference call. I rested my head in his lap, and he played with my hair. As he was leaving we paused at the front door for a good-bye smooch. He'd open the door to go, and then he'd close it again to give me another kiss. He did this more than twice, for the record. He asked if I was going to join him and our mutual friend at Bay to Breakers, but I couldn't. We left it at that. No number exchange. Simply a nice evening. And it was okay with me. Moreover, I am by no means a model, so I swiftly came to the conclusion I wasn't his type and plus, he wears a nice watch.

That afternoon I received a text from Text Message who was apparently glad to hear from me and told me to keep the calls coming. That night he proceeded to text me 16 times, my texts back consisted of only 4. He also called. CRAZY!!!

The next morning after apologizing, he kept the texts coming again. Perhaps 8 that time trying to convince me to "hang out". Since I'm like a dude, I said maybe that night as I did want to see him and see how it felt to be around him.

He was a little too touchy-feeley that night for not having seen each other in a while. I asked him why he psychotically texted me with him replying that he gets a thought in his head and becomes obsessed with it. Won't give up.

Crazy. Weird. Total Turn-off.

We made out a bit, and he left. Left with my question finally answered. NO. It'd never be. His actions were just strange. Really, strange. End of that story.

And, end of the Russia story as well. Or perhaps pause for now?

You see, for the first time in a long time I really mean it when I say this, this is a really bad time for me right now. I won't go into all the reasons why, but my job situation is somewhat consuming my mind. I really haven't been able to think much about anything else. I've also been out of town and have had a packed schedule and pretty much walk around with nervous stomach. Oye, the anxiety. I need to settle before I can even think about the cuddling Russia and I did that night.

Warming Up

2008-05-22T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Vegas tomorrow with the girls. 12 of us. Every year there's a story, and I can't wait to see what it is this year. Hopefully it'll be one that doesn't involve an ambulance or lost pants (neither incident involved me). Hopefully this time it will involve some crazy-amazing-mind-blowing story that will fill the pages of this blog.

As for now, I'm being a loser and posting just shit. But, I want to write.

I'm warming up here. Just warming up.

No, Not The End

2008-05-19T17:50:00.001-07:00

In response to anonymous' question, no this is not the end of the blog. I will actually start back up this week. I miss writing. A lot. I need it back. I do have things to write. Lame stories of how ridiculous boys are. My life in the straight-world. And a job gone sour. :-(

Sappy and Half Written, Forgive My Ass ;-)

2008-04-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

My excuse is the new job. It’s been two and a half months, and I’m still all consumed by it. As some of you may have noted, my blog postings were typically written while at my last job during my down time. Now, at the new job, I don’t even have a second to breathe, and I really mean that.

When I get home, all I want to do is turn my mind completely off.

It’s frustrating to have all the creative juices sucked from your soul. But, I know I am where I need to be right now.

Hm, that’s an interesting thought. Since I’ll be turning 30 this year, I have my moments of what age and time mean to me. What I realized is exactly what I just said “I know I am where I need to be right now.”

I am happy with the decisions I’ve made in my life. I only have one regret, which I’m not going to get into, and it’s not anything anyone would consider juicy. By no means.

Would I like to go back in time? Be younger?

Not at all. I’m glad that my mind has settled, somewhat. I went through the gamut of emotions in the past ten years, and I’m more than happy to have overcome, again somewhat. Of course I have like five gazillion things to learn, but I feel okay. I feel like I’m going to be okay.

I was recently visiting my sister and friends in New York. One evening, my sister and I found ourselves at a party where our friend who brought us there had left. We knew no one in the beginning and everyone in the end. We were even making dessert. We’d look over at each other and think, “what the hell?” We were suddenly cooking at some stranger’s house and making sure the guests had what they needed. Okay, perhaps this wasn’t the first time I did that… hey, I like people, and I like parties. Haha.

Anyway, tangents-tangents-tangents. There was this guy – he was gay, so don’t assume the story’s going ‘there’ – he told me about the hell in which his life currently was. He had every right to be fucking pissed, but he wasn’t, and he told me why.

One evening on his way home, he and the cab driver engaged in a conversation. He asked if the cab driver was happy. The cab driver told him he was. Then he asked how he did it.

“Every day is a good day.”

Sometimes I Say What The Hell About Myself:

- I turn up the volume when I watch foreign films with subtitles
- I once had my gynecologist check my head for lice. And, that was just last summer. August to be exact. She told me that she does it for her daughter’s school. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac you see. Oops. I didn’t have lice nor anything else for that matter. Phew!

Morally Reprehensible:

One Saturday evening I received a text from Flavor Flav telling me he’d be in the neighborhood that evening. For whatever pms reasons, I really needed to satiate my skin on skin desire. I actually planned to call an old hook-up who was recently single. He lives 30 minutes away, but told me he’d come at any time of night.

With two options on my plate, how do I decide?

- Flavor Flav lives in the city. He and I could bang, and he wouldn’t have to spend the night. Whereas other boy, albeit an amazing fuck and totally single, would have to spend the night. Yes, that is what it boiled down to. God, I’m such a bitch.
- Morally reprehensible part – I know Flavor Flav is “dating” some chick. He plays it down or at least I think he does, and I just don’t ask questions. I don’t ask if they’re committed.

I have a difficult time with the idea of cheating. People have their “things.” That’s mine. We can go into all the psycho-analysis of it, but it boils down to the biological-father-issues. Cliché!!! So, it’s really out of my character to not probe more into their situation.

So I propose to myself:

No sex until it's with someone I truly care about.

Out of the Office

2008-04-01T21:39:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be out of town until Monday, so I'll post no later than Wednesday. I certainly need to divulge my latest bad-bad ideas, rather fully executed bad-bad ideas.

The Bathroom Chronicles

2008-03-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Take II

The only people left were two corner office men. No women in sight. At last I could shit in peace. When I opened the door to an empty bathroom, I practically squealed I was so excited. I chose the large stall with the extra leg room. I carefully placed the toilet seat cover on the toilet as though I were fluffing a pillow for a long night of sound sleep. As I sat down with the crinkle of the cover like music to my ears, in walks someone.

Are you fucking kidding me?! My disbelief immediately curtailed any natural movements, and I knew I had to leave. And, I left defeated.

Take III

Today was like miracle bathroom day. Every time I was in the bathroom, no one was there. I even took my time fixing my hair, adjusting my bra, checking my fly again and again just to feel out about how much time I might have for this to be the day, the day I can finally shit. It was ready to make an exit and an appearance.

A couple of hours later I couldn’t stand it, so I surreptitiously walked to the restroom as though I were about to rob a bank. To my luck, it was empty. Not only was it empty, but there standing before me was Citrus Magic. I hadn’t seen that since the last empty bottle incident. This time it was full. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining. Citrus Magic and I cha-cha’d our way into the extra-leg-room stall. I was relaxed. I just knew this was my day.

It took me a minute to relax, but it eventually started happening, and I was smiling. But then, why did there have to be a But Then? in walks some stupid ass chick. But, a good but this time, I decided I would keep quiet until she did her numero uno and headed out. In silence I waited. And then in silence, she waited.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I wasn’t going to quit that easily, so I sat just a little bit longer.

It only gets better… and then better. Someone else walks in. Fucking Perfect. Now the only two stalls are full. The stand-off begins. My opponent wasn’t giving in. I couldn’t take it… and then it gets better, someone else walks in. The words are uttered, “there’s a line.”

Never have I been in that bathroom with a line. Never.

The stakes have risen. Now, if I get out first, all three bathroom occupants will hear the thunderous rolls of toilet paper. Then, someone will go in after me. That someone will then smell my shit and probably cringe a minute. The second person in line will know it was me too.

So I did it. I gave in. Of course though, there was an extra bonus… all that shit didn’t go down on the first flush. I had to FLUSH TWICE in front of my entire audience of people.

At this point, I was looking up at God, “are you trying to be an asshole on purpose?”

THE JOB:

Every morning I wake up at 7 am with reluctance, squared. I have a job. I have a job with nice people. I have a job where I’m making a decent living.

But all I can wonder is why I’m spending my days doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t want to wake up at 7 am 5 days a week. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to stare at a computer all day.

I know – I know, I know I can’t complain. I just don’t understand why the rules of the game are such.

Now I can’t go to shows on weeknights like I used to. I have to function the next day. I can’t do the one thing that makes me most happy without severely suffering the next day. I particularly can’t be suffering in such a way when I’ve only just begun the job.

While I do feel lucky to have this job and while I know there’s not a job left for me at my old place, I still can’t help but sigh and work on the wrinkles in my forehead.

BOYS:

The “don’t ask me about him” guy is all gone. It was fun for a minute and taught me to never write “don’t ask me about him.” How dumb was I? It basically screamed, “ask me – ask me!”

Oh ‘vell.

Of course sex always comes knocking at the door. Sometimes it’s a 3 am and sometimes it’s an old fuck buddy MySpace messaging you. And so, a dude I met through work ages ago recently broke-up with his girlfriend and of course comes running back to my blow-jobs, the kind that win awards (haha, chicajato, hope you know that phrase).

He has an amazing cock. I wish I could take a picture of it and post it on here. We all have our dreams. He’s even more of a pleaser, so I just may take him up on it.

I do think I’m like a guy in the sex-sense. I really like having it. Hm. I’ve only had sex ONCE (Flavor Flav) in the last EIGHT MONTHS, which is pretty slow for me, so I suppose that’s why I’m a little more hungry for it at the moment.

No prospects for a respectable relationship. I would like one. I would. You know that relationship that lasts forever. Yeah, I want that one right about now. Or not.

A Long, Brief Love Affair

2008-03-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

It began how things begin and ended how things end. Not sure about either.

I haven’t really mentioned anything about him to anyone because it was supposed to be your clichéd “friends with benefits.” But then, when does that really work?

If you’re good friends with me, I don’t feel like talking about this, so don’t ask. No matter how good of a friend you are. I want this brief love affair to end here. I always drag these things out being the masochist that I am. I think as I’ve gotten older, these situations have gotten older too. I’m reaching a point where I can almost shrug them off.

So here’s my shrug:

When I met him, I knew he’d recently gotten out of a long-term relationship. How many doomed relationships start with that line?! But, I kinda’ thought he wasn’t my type, so I was in the clear. On our first “date” so to speak, we hung out on my floor, my actual carpeted floor.

We didn’t try to sell ourselves like people do when they’re developing a potentially real relationship. You know, talking about your families and hopes and dreams and all that fucking cheesey shit that we talk about to “connect” with someone else.

He went through my bookshelf and knew my psycho authors/scholars, such as Dawkins, which then led to a conversation about propagation, which many of you know I’m insane about. (for you dirty-minds out there, I don't mean the act). Normally, I’d think a first encounter would make me gag if we discussed poetry, but I have so much on my shelf. He even read a poem by one of my favorite poets. And it didn’t feel forced and make me want to stick my tongue out and my finger down my throat. It oddly was all so natural.

The conversation flowed. The focus soon turned to my iPod that I’d been playing in the background. While in my supine position, he rested his head on my stomach, and we listened to songs from beginning to end. I played with his hair. We changed positions and kissed and played with each other’s finger tips.

As if the night couldn’t be anymore perfect, what does he say?!?!?!??!?!?

“I want to give you an orgasm.”

What the fuck?!?!? And those Miss Curious eyes instantly widened.

I didn’t really know what to say.

“Um, well, I’m not prepared to return the favor,” I so selfishly replied.

I didn’t feel like having that intimacy with his nether-regions. While I really liked him, it wasn’t a “dick in my mouth” like quite yet.

Being um, awesome, he said he didn’t care. Kept his clothes on and went to town.

This was then followed by a massage. Seriously.

Sublimely happy, we lied on our sides with our heads resting on our hands as we stared at each other. It was almost 2 am on a Monday night. Our eyes were practically closed, but he didn’t want to leave, and I didn’t want him to leave.

I knew I needed some sleep, so he headed out. When I closed the door behind him, I looked through the peephole as he walked down the hallway. I had a giddy smile on my face.

The next afternoon he texted me, and we both gushed about our wonderful evening together.

The next night he asked to come over and watch a movie. We actually watched the movie from beginning to end until we touched each other any more than our elbows rubbing up against each other.

One day break from communication.

Didn’t last long. As soon as he got back from his weekend he texted, “just walked in the door, want to hang out?”

Certainly wasn’t playing hard to get.

I made him play a board game with me as we drank beer and both bobbed our heads to my tunes. He was pretty cute about it. I would look down at my cards and smirk, a mirthful smirk. Finally, on this third “date”, the intimacies were reciprocated (do note: no sex). Before that night, I hadn’t even touched his stuff.

Then, two weeks went by with only two texts. He was out of town for a week.

The day after he got back, he wanted to hang out.

Again, not playing hard to get.

This night was filled with the same vigor as the first night. He had me watch Obama’s DNC speech during the Kerry campaign. As we sat at my desk in front of my laptop, we held hands.

He looked at me. I mean he really looked at me. He looked at me so intensely that I had to look away. Before he left he hugged me, a prolonged hug. And then, he hugged me again, another prolonged hug. He massaged my shoulders on the way out.

The ensuing week consisted of missed connections. I was a bit busy and didn’t text when I said I would. I was just starting to genuinely like him and felt that what began as casual wasn’t so casual anymore. I then needed to separate it for a second.

But then, I texted him a week ago about hanging out. He said he’d get back to me.

And then, I haven’t heard from him since.

Here I thought his feelings were more intense than my own. Apparently, I was so-so wrong. He just completely switched off. I don’t understand how I could have been so wrong. I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all. Not at all.

Okay - Okay, I'm Back ;-)

2008-03-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

When I got home from work, I remembered that today I’d be back to blogging. All I could think is, “what the hell am I going to write about?!”

My new job has been quite humbling. I forgot what it’s like to start over. I went from knowing exactly what I’m doing to having to ask questions every two minutes and genuinely being angry at myself for not knowing everything right now.

Going into this new job, I knew it was going to take time to adjust, but it still fucking sucks.

I do love this lyric, “there’s no substitute for time.” ‘tis true.

It has been a complete lifestyle change. I’ve gone from starring in a XXX straight to dvd movie to a G-rated Disney movie where everyone’s having babies and selling girl-scout cookies. I now have 3 boxes.

This adjustment has been one big mind-fuck, but I asked for it. I asked for change, and here it is. I’ll be fine. I know I will.

So, why is it I have nothing to write? Well, I come home and my mind is consumed with all the insane new shit I’m learning. I haven’t a creative bone in my body right now. That’s certainly something I need to reclaim. I know I will.

For now, I’m trying to appreciate the little things in life:

1. I appreciate that I’ll never cease to roll my eyes when someone tells me to appreciate the little things in life.

2. Hm, and genuinely… I’m stoked when the elevator’s at my floor when I get there.
I like when my netflix arrive on time, and I like being surprised that some stupid Lindsay Lohan movie arrived instead of some educational foreign film because I know it’ll collect dust before I finally give in and watch the damn thing just so the next Hillary Duff movie in my queue can come a runnin’ already.

3. I like that I can write run-on sentences and not have red-pen written all over it.

For now, the little things that irritate the fuck out of me:

1. Saturday night was the first in what is hopefully a series of “girls’ night out” with my old co-workers. The implication of “girls’ night out” is always drink too much and objectify men. I think we accidentally stepped foot onto the wrong side of the tracks because we ended up in BlazerVille where apparently it’s cool to wear your blazer out to a bar. I’d like to put those guys in with the Expensive-Watch dudes that I will never date. Anyway, I think girls’ night out will likely turn into “girls’ night in” where we drink too much and then drink too much.

2. I haven’t gone to a good show in ages. I went to a show this past Thursday and then another one on Friday, which can be described as crap and crappier.

The Boy Sitch:

A classic, lack thereof a boy sitch. Girls’ night out was a startling reminder of how meeting a partner should actually replace the Hanging Towers of Babylon as one of the Seven Wonders of the World (and why the fuck does everything come in sevens? God, why?)

My argument for such an assertion:

- First, two single people must meet
- These two single people must both be attracted to one another. (how often does this happen?!?!)
- Hopefully they live in the same town or state or country.
- Hopefully girl’s friend doesn’t have a crush on the dude and then girl has to choose between girl or dude.
- Difficult already… and then, they actually have to have stuff in common. Like values and hobbies and shit.
- Then one has to get over his or her insecurities and actually express interest in the other person.
- So they go on a date.
- Then they both need to play their cards right… fucking on a first date could ruin the chances for a second date as could not fucking on the first date.
- Anyway, you make it through the first few dates.
- Again, cards must be played right. This is the time where one person can call the other a little too often and be little to eager and turn the other person right off.
- Hopefully both parties are still emotionally available and shit after some time.
- Then they get more serious and hopefully they can actually communicate and get along just a tad more than they argue.
- Then, they both have to want to take the same next steps like declare boyfriend-girlfriend’ism or move in together or get engaged or married or have kids. Bor-ring!!!
- And each person has to carefully give security to the other person.
- And jesus – I could go on and on… this list is making me appreciate singledom. I mean come-on!!!

HEADACHE!!!

Okay – okay, I successfully talked myself out of wanting a relationship without even going into that diatribe trying to do so.

Sheesh.

Okay – I’m going to stop here. I’m hoping that the 8th episode of Rock of Love II has finally downloaded, and I can watch the damn thing. God, I love strippers and alcoholics.

Return Date

2008-02-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

I finally got Internet over the weekend, so I'll give you a return date. I'll be back starting Monday, March 3rd.

2008-02-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

don't have time... soon - soon!

At Last!

2008-02-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

ON THE NEW JOB SCENE

I now ride the bus into the financial district. It's a different breed of people on that bus. The girls - when they wear pearls, they mean it. I, on the other hand, am an impostor. I’m like a little girl playing dress-up.

I own one pair of nice shoes and not because I bought them. My mom did. They’ve been sitting in my closet for about 2 years, and I now have to wear them at my new office. Unfortunately, I didn’t keep the shoe box because it probably said, “warning: not good for crowded buses, rainy weather, walking any distance, standing, sitting, and wearing.” Sheesh, my feet hurt everyday.

And wow, San Francisco has straight men? And straight men who wear wool coats and shiny shoes? But then, they might as well all be gay because the expensive watch and snug tie wearing dudes are simply not my type. It’s an interesting change of atmosphere though. A totally different vibe then the one I was in before.

As for the job itself, I’m in the learning stage. It isn’t the most exciting job, but the people are truly very nice. Everyone’s been at the company forever. Very low turnover. Then, of course, there’s my planning for the future, so although I’m not playing pranks on my co-workers and wearing black hooded sweatshirts to work everyday there are quite a few benefits. I’m biting the bullet for a little while.

Shitting in a new office:

My new office doesn’t have a “back bathroom” where one can do her business in peace. Unfortunately, shitting in those bathrooms is like living in a museum. Just not comfortable.

Then the time finally came where I couldn’t hold it any longer. I waited until the coast was clear before jetting past cubicle row. I made it. Safe. Of course the minute I relax, someone walks in. I then had to hold the plopping until she left, so in my head all I can think is, “hurry up. I can’t hold this shit forever.” Finally, she leaves, and I finish my dirty business as uncomfortably as I began. Since my biz was rather fragrant, I was happy to have spotted Citris Magic on my way in, so I could combat the putrid stench.

As I came out, there stood my beacon on the horizon... Citrus Magic. I reach for the bottle and like those milk commercials where someone's eaten an entire chocolate cake and then reaches for the milk container only to find that it's empty... and she then has that panicked look upon her face, that was me. An empty Citrus Magic bottle. No Magic afterall. Only panick. Shit-shit-shit. Literally. Gulp. I quickly sprinkled water on my hands and bolted out in hopes of no one catching me. I then had to compose myself, so the cubicle habitants along the way would never suspect.

2 weeks at my job, and I've never been so constipated.

BOYS:

I had sex. After 6 months sans-bangin’.

Anyone remember my short-lived fling Flava-Flav, who I told I would never have a relationship with because he was a self-proclaimed cheater? Named Flava-Flav because he’d so be that chick in the flava-flav house who said shit like, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here for Flav.” And then everyone ends up hating him.

The last time I saw him was in April. Over the months we’ve dropped each other a line here and there or had brief chats on gtalk. He’s actually been very sweet in asking about my job and how I’m doing. However, there’s no way I would ever have that kind of feelings for him. I never really did anyway.

Friday night, rather Saturday morning, I received a text at about 3 am. I thought it was my sister who’d texted about an hour earlier, so I checked my phone. Oddly, it was him. Even more oddly, it was a text that said, “I’m outside your front door.”

It was late, and I felt badly not acknowledging him, so I told him he could crash at my house.

One thing led to another, and there we were... use your imagination. It wasn’t a bad idea to fuck him. I know I don’t and won’t have feelings for him… I mean, I really know. He is so fucking good at fucking that I couldn’t resist despite being barely awake.

Anyway, he then told me how he thinks about me all the time and pictures me when he’s fucking other chicks.

What the fuck?!?!?!

But, I’m still in the clear. This is still not going to be anything more than it was, phew! He recently started dating someone, and he said he just HAD to get me out of his system before he could commit.

He said it was great, and he was on his way. I fell back to sleep.

It was just what I needed.

Aside from him, I’m still completely prospect-less. There isn’t one guy I’m attracted to and think about. No one. Oh well. I’m sure something will come along eventually. You know, they just may arrive at your doorstep in the middle of the night.

And oh, no cute boys at work. It's a large office, so they could potentially be hiding out in their offices.

To conclude, my thoughts have been consumed with my new routine. Dressing differently, interacting with people differently (like keeping the sarcasm to a minimum), having different tasks, learning completely different things… going to a different office, riding a bus again.

Aside from that, I’ve been essentially gone for the last 3 weekends, and I haven’t had much time for myself. Writing, unfortunately, has been on the back-burner. I’m going to pick it up regularly over the next 2 weeks.

2008-01-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

I'm taking another week break... now that I can't write at work anymore, and I don't have regular Internet at home, it's a little difficult to get it together. I will though - I will.

2008-01-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

I've been out of town and just started the new job... fyi for peeps who've asked about the new job - it's just investment management... nothing too exciting, but financially it will set my ass up ;-).

I'm working on getting email at home because I will no longer be able to post at work. This all means that posting won't be until next week, sorry!

The One Week Rule

2008-01-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

fick·le / Show Spelled Pronunciation[fik-uhl] Pronunciation Key – adjective

1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable

2. Miss Curious

Yes, I define the word Fickle. I have capricious tendencies.

I have already deleted my online dating profile. One week has been my staying power for this kind of thing. But - But - But, it wasn't without giving it a genuine 1 week try, haha.

You see, I met Mr. Sober (thank you Elwood for the name). We talked on the phone a few nights before finally deciding to meet, last night. He was attractive and nice and the conversation flowed easily. However, there lacked a certain chemistry.

Of course I made out with him anyway because I have dude tendencies. Things didn't go very far in the sack as I realized that things could never be. I want someone who can come over and have drinks with friends while we play board games until I get too tipsy to remember what color chip I am, but still win anyway.

However, knowing that he didn't drink, I still invited him over. I was still somewhat open to the prospect. There was an extra something that was missing for me to want to further explore him as an option. I do believe there were things that he needed to work out in his life. As nice as he was and as nice as our evening was, he wasn't quite right. Came on a little too strong - maybe a red flag here and there... perhaps I would have overlooked some of these things if he lived in the city or did drink or whatever... but, here I am today, and I know that it's not going to work.

I sent him an email this morning explaining all of this. He responded a moment ago asking if he could change my mind. Really though, I can't imagine being in a relationship where we could never have a drink together or a smoke together. But again, that's not the only thing. Not at all.

He is such a nice guy, and I feel so badly this morning. But, I do feel confident in my decision.

I then removed myself from the online dating site. I can't do it. I've met guys from MySpace, but it's never been right. I never felt chemistry with any of them despite being almost perfect on paper. For some reason, online isn't my thing.

So, I'll have to wait for that conventional way of meeting a "mate." Haha.

It's okay. I feel this is right.

JOB:

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. It's starting to feel real. I can't stress enough how important these people have been to me. They are my San Francisco family, and I'm leaving the nest. There's a heavy weight on my mind. Very heavy.

My iTunes playlist is forlorn. It's been making me pause and stare at my lava-lamp that a co-worker has already claimed. You know when people say they're "all choked up"? I feel that right now. All choked-up.

I remember coming here for my first interview. The stormy weather. The umbrella that broke and the hot chocolate that spilled on my skirt.

Waiting in the waiting room and seeing employees use the restroom. Wondering if I'd soon know them. I did.

I know I'm being ridiculously nostalgic, but I get close to people. Very close. I know I'll remain in touch with my good friends, but it won't be the same.

Anyway, I'll always have fond memories... and I'm making a good move.

And The Cyber-Stalking Continues...

2008-01-11T11:36:00.001-08:00

Someone please-please-please tell me there's no way for someone to see that you've viewed his or her profile?

I totally looked at Bam's profile again today 'cuz I have some spare time. Dumb-Blond-Chick's no longer a friend of his. And then, I took it to the next crazy-cyber-stalking level and searched to see if she was even still on MySpace... and she is, and now her profile is set to private.

AND, of course I get all paranoid and think:

A) they can see I've viewed their profile
B) they've found my blog and have found out how truly psycho I am

Fuck-Fuck-Fuck

MOVING ON - ONLINE DATING:

There's still something about online dating that freaks me out. For some reason it makes me feel like some big dork who can't find men on her own. So, there are now two guys that I actually like. One guy and I have been emailing back fairly regularly, and he seems frickin' perfect; however... of course there's a HOWEVER, he's the sober one. I don't know if I can do that. I'm not writing him off... I'm giving it a try.

Oddly, the other guy I now think is cool... is also SOBER. What the?!?!

Well, it worked out just fine w/ The Brother. We shall see.

Anyway, I'll give updates on the online thingy... I'll probably talk to the first guy this weekend. We'll have to come up with a name for him.

Nonsense

2008-01-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

My body's exhausted. I know I'm fighting off a cold. I'm still at work. I'll be here indefinitely. Now that I'm trading in my converse and concert t-shirts for shiny shoes and a wardrobe of dry-clean only, I'm beginning to feel the stress of an impending change in my life... the new job. I've been coming to my current office for five years. Some of the people here are my best friends.
I know that the new job will be sufficiently preparing me for the future, but changing fields and moving to environment likened to a library, seems oh so rough.

But check, got a new job. I've been wanting (and not wanting) this change for some time. I got what I wanted. I can't complain.

NEW YEAR

Now it's a new year. I always say "whatever" to these markers we set for ourselves. I shrug off New Year's Eve celebrations.

This year, I went to dinner with some friends, then a couple of bars, and was home by 10:45 pm. I then called my mom, and we discussed the great deals I got on shampoo as I watched live Nine Inch Nail dvds.

I let the New Year's Eve hype get to me. I suddenly started feeling lonely. I suddenly missed the last person I was with, just because he was the last person I was with. Because he was the last person I fucked. Because he was the last person I woke up with in the morning and kissed.

Because there's no one else to miss.

And in my weak state, I decided to email him, BAM. I did the whole, "I know you probably don't want to here from me, but I was thinking about you and wanted to check-in... I'll understand if you don't email me back."

He did email me back. Surprisingly. He did the, "good to hear from you... and no I won't ignore you and pretend like you don't exist... unless of course, that's the treatment you deserve :-) ... Like the MySpace hair, permanent?... I've thought about you too..." (this is not verbatim and of course, just excerpts) He also told me what he did over the holidays and asked me what I did.

The "pretend you don't exist" part sure made my eyes widen as did the MySpace comment... considering I'd immaturely deleted him as a friend on MySpace and changed to a privacy setting. I was pretending like he didn't exist. These word, "Miss Curious just pretend like he doesn't exist," actually went through my head, and I felt dumb. So, if he commented on the hair on MySpace, then the last time he looked at my profile was before I deleted. Perhaps he hasn't noticed, which is good and bad.

The only reply I've had from him I've had since is a forward. He's probably dating that Dumb-Blond-Chick or whatever I named her. Of course, there is the fact that I'm just off his radar... someone in the far past that's just good to hear from.

But really. Who cares.

Like I said, he was only on my mind because there's no one else to be. And my mind is no longer occupied with the job hunt... so I'm bo-ored!

So, got to remedy that.

My stupid-ass decided to sign up for one of those hipster-ee pretentious online dating sites. I've dabbled in this a bit on MySpace when contacted by seemingly interested dudes and oh, that one stoned evening on CL that led me to 5th Paragraph. I've also communicated with peeps on online dating before, but then I chicken out and take my profile off a week later.

I've been on for 2 days now. I'm now "messaging" with 2 guys. The one I like the most is, I think based off his profile, Sober. Which is cool, and The Brother was sober and other friends I have are too, but for a long-term partner? The idea of never drinking together seems slightly bleak. It's kind of a deal-breaker for me. So end of that.

The other guy I like wrote this fun little blurb, but then ended it with, "you have the sexiest and lips." SEXY is a word that just turns me off. It seems so Casual Encounter... and sleezey to me. I did decide to message him back because his profile and the beginning of his email were worthy of a try.

Another guy sent me a picture of solely his abs. I have a huge aversion to shirtless photos. He then only said in his message, "he sexy, what are you doing?" Another SEXY? Come On!!! Despite having to die for abs, which could totally not be his anyway, I deleted that one right away. Other guys... wow, I know this sounds mean - oh wow, all of this does - guess I'm breaking my New Year's Resolution to be nice - so yeah, other guys blazonly display all the reasons they're in the single boat.

We shall see though. I have to give it a try. My grandma got tipsy over the holidays and told me in her heavy mexican accent in all seriousness, "you not even try (swaying arm motions)... can't you just try." I genuinely felt badly. I genuinely felt like I was letting her down.

So grandma, I'm going to try... at least for a minute.

Sorry

2008-01-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

I know I've been missing in action, but I've been UBER busy. I just got a new job (details later), so I've been swamped with wrapping up everything at my current office as well as actual insane work. I've been staying late every night, argh!

Anyway. Guess I have a couple things to write about by week's end ;-)

2007

2007-12-31T12:16:00.000-08:00

2007 Lips That Kissed Mine

1. iBartender

Met: at Small K’s birthday 2 years ago

Flirtation Began: February 2007 while frequenting his bar around the corner from Tall K’s house. We went every Monday night.

Derivation of Name: during our Monday game nights, he’d let me play my iPod on the bar speakers. We then discovered our similar tastes in music and got giddy as fuck when talking about it.

Turning-Point: I made him a CD. That night we kissed over the bar - 2 minutes later he said, “kiss me on the cheek.”I said, “no”“C’mon!”“No… okay fine, you have to bring your cheek to me.” I leaned in to kiss him, and this time he turned to kiss me on the lips. We both paused… he moved in closer… grabbed my bottom lip with his teeth and softly tugged… our lips met… our tongues met… and in a swift second it was over.

A week or two later he declared the night “Whatever You Want Night”. He followed me to the DJ booth while I was changing songs. He wrapped his arms around me, “Why aren’t you kissing me?” I asked.“You just have to tell me that’s what you want.” “I want you to kiss me.” He smiled and turned his hat backwards. He held my face with one hand, pulled me toward him, and our lips met. His soft, soft lips… his sweet, sweet tongue… mingled with mine. I’m smiling now as I think about it.

End: I was gone for a couple of weeks after the kiss… he found someone new. Whatever. A fleeting DJ Booth romance. I still see him and now know understand his little flirtatious games he plays. I always liked the idea of him, but really, he’s younger, and it shows.

2. Obsession

Met: At Cheers 4 years ago.

Flirtation Began: 4 years ago. He introduced himself and started giving me free drinks. We hooked up once and nothing happened after that. We’ve flirted over the years.

Turning Point in 2007: I was helping him write a business letter. (from old post) -
I sat at the edge of the bed to see if he'd start moving toward me. He did. He'd rest his hand on my leg. I'd pretend not to notice. I got up to do something, and when I came back his arm was around my spot on the bed. I picked it up and moved it. He smirked.

After a few more glasses of wine, he said he should get going. I reached over him to put my glass on the table to walk him out. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me onto him... and then smothered my lips with his. We made out like teenagers... a lot of groping, expert bra unfastening...

Once he went to remove an article of my clothing, I said, "okay, I have to ask... are you still with your girlfriend?" He cringed, "yes." Fuck. "Well, I can't do this then. Sorry."

End: he left trying to explain himself. I emailed him the definition of Integrity. We’re still bar-friends. I’ll always have a “thing” for him, but I’ll never want to be with him.

3. Flava Flav

Met: MySpace. He emailed me. I emailed him back 3 months later when I was bored.

Flirtation: Good for one thing. Very good for that one thing.

Derivation of Name: In reality tv dating shows, there's always one or two or three chicks that use the line, "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here for Flava Flav." He seemed like he'd be that girl, a bitch.

End: Cheating’s my “thing”. Some people get jealous or this or that. If I know someone has a history of cheating, I know that I can’t get close to him or her. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand a lot. Couldn’t stand if I talked about other guys. Couldn’t stand that I wouldn’t give him a real try. But then, I was unavailable for hooking up at 11 pm one night. He called another chick after me. I thought it was fucked up and told him to fuck-off.

4. BAM

Met: through Mutual Friend. Mutual Friend’s band was playing. We both knew the other was going to be there.

Derivation of Name: I liked him the moment he introduced himself. We hung out all day (it was a daytime show) as thought we’d known each other forever. He drove me home and in his car as we were kissing I thought, “I can’t wait until this kissing really means something.” That thought was swiftly followed by, “but it already feels like it means something.”
BAM, I felt so close to him so quickly.

Highlights: He said, “you have my heart, a dear hold on it.” amongst some of the most romantic words anyone has ever told me.

End: It just did.

5. Antonio

Met: He works nearby. We'd flirted there before, and then I bumped into him at a bar.

Derivation of Name: He has one of those names that screams "fling" like some latin lover Antonio...

Flirtation: he sat on my chair and divulged his deepest and frickin' darkest secrets. He's a disaster.

End: We saw each other and flirted at his place of business, but neither of us made an effort to hang out again. He moved out of state in November.

2007 Boy Wrap-Up:

Same shit, different year. Where's "the one" already? Haha! 2008's my year!

2007 Best Live Shows:

1. Muse – Bill Graham
2. Tori Amos – The Paramount (2nd night)
3. The Cure – Shoreline
4. Smashing Pumpkins – The Fillmore (1st night)
5. Okkervil River – The Independent
6. The Arcade Fire – Greek Theater, Berkeley
7. Wolf Parade – Great American Music Hall
8. Tool – Bill Graham
9. Medeski, Martin, Scofield, and Wood – The Fillmore
10. Tapes N’ Tapes – Mezzanine

2007 Best Movies:

I didn’t make it out to the movies much this year, and what I did see was, um, okay. Here are some highlights:

1. Superbad
2. Hairspray
3. uno
4. Waitress
5. 30 Days and 30 Nights
6. Jane Austen Book Club
7. Transformers

Biggest Upset:

Atonement started out as with a huge bang, but sadly FiZ-Zled. During the first half, this film was a huge holy-shit this is amazing. I should have gone home mid-way through.

2008 New Year's Resolution

To be a nicer person

2007-12-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

Remember how I said I'd post today? Well, I was kidding. I don't have time. I'm posting my 2007 Best of's and Highlights.... Monday... I promise!

2007-12-27T15:04:00.001-08:00

Been outta' town... will post tomorrow!

Happy Holidays... guess that's what everyone says these days.

It's Okay To Look

2007-12-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

Since I had a new picture comment, I logged onto MySpace this morning. As I was signing off, I whispered to myself, "don't look, don't look." (at BAM's profile, that is). But then, the log-out page said, "it's okay to look." Right there in BIG letters IT'S OKAY TO LOOK (a match.com advertisement).

Eyebrows up.

"What the hell... god saying 'HA!' to me?"

So I logged back on. And looked.

Nothing new for me to obsess about... so there I was, in my little cubicle with my lava-lamp still warming up, only left with the realization of how weak I truly am. Oh so fucking sad. I logged out for godsake. I made it all the way out of MySpace without viewing his profile to see if STUPID-NEW-BLOND-CHICK had commented or he had commented on hers. And then, as though god itself had been speaking to me... "look - look - it's okay to look." Jesus Christ.

Oh well. I did it. I'm weak. Big fucking surprise. Big fucking deal.

I'll get over it.

We all get over it sooner or later and wonder what the fuck we were thinking.

All those pathetic moments of heartbreak and sorrow over this or that... I always get over it. In time, I will look back on this and laugh. The feelings will all be gone. They always go away.

I have no unrequited love out there. I have no regrets in my world of romance... no one I wish I'd still be with to this day. No one "man that got away." Not one. I haven't found him yet.

Sure, I might suddenly think that BAM's the one for me now that he's (most likely) with someone else. A couple months from now I'll be able to tell if it's him I miss or the idea of him or just that I'm jealous that he found someone first.

Whatever it is... it'll be forgotten.

Let's move on to something else I can obsess about. Hmmmmm.

OUT of the Running -

Work: I now have job security because the owner of the company and his partner just asked me to support them too... everyone says their impossible, but I like the challenge. I'll tame the beasts. It's said that if anyone can, I can! Haha!

Romance: cyber-stalking is already getting boring... after a week of it.

Friendships: those are always messy, but I let them affect me less and less.

Housing: ran into a bump last night, but my roommate's so communicative that we squashed it this morning.

Well, can't think of anything to throw myself into at the moment, so I'll get back to work on memorizing the presidents. I have until Friday.

iTunes, Heavy Rotation:

Wasted Time, MeShell Ndegeocello
Bliss, Tori Amos
Sugar, Tori Amos
Sudden Rush, Erlend Oye
Insistor, Tapes N' Tapes
Night On Red River, Rykarda Parasol

My Worst Nightmare

2007-12-13T15:56:00.000-08:00

Speaking of all that Cyberstalking below, what if BAM or any others we may stalk can actually see how many times we've viewed their profiles?! Or what if the chicks we link to from them can see us checking their profiles out and put two and two together? And worse, then tell the dude that we've been checking out both of their profiles!!!

I'd pretty much want to die.

Does anyone know if this is possible?

Although I deleted BAM from my friends on MySpace, I'm still going to look for him from time to time. Ridiculous, yes.

How about I email him this:

Dear BAM,

Because I'm a psycho-cyberstalker, can you please change the status of your MySpace page to the Privacy Setting. My blog alias is "MiSS CuriouS" meaning that I'm ruled by my curiousity, and if information on your relationship status is available to me, I simply canNOT NOT look. Weak of me? Most definitely.

Ta-Ta,

MiSS CuriouS

That'd go over, right?

Again, I ask... why do I care? A week ago I was falling asleep to thoughts of my dreamed-up-dream-man... thoughts of BAM were weakening memories. And suddenly, he's at the forefront of my mind making me pout... that he's found someone first.

I'm such an asshole!!!

The Cyber-Stalk

2007-12-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

Can I possibly be this pathetic? I say this again and again - sometimes I simply can’t stand myself. Sometimes I genuinely pull a Mcauley Culkin in Home Alone when he slaps both hands on his cheeks, and his eyes immediately widen, and a loud shriek escapes from his lips. Unfortunately, my reasons aren’t because I’ve just shaved and am putting cologne on for the first time.

My reasons are far, far worse than a sudden sting.

I know I shouldn’t be professing the happenings in the deep dark corners of MiSS CuriouS’s mind, but this is my release. This is me proclaiming my most ridiculous moments… saying yes, yes this is who I am. I’m admitting these things to myself.

I’m doing the best I can to be relatively normal.

Anyway, on with it. With the explosion of cyberspace, we all invariably lurk into the lives of others. When we’re dating someone a Google, MySpace, and Facebook search seems to be pretty common, no? Well, on occasion, I’ve checked out Bam’s MySpace page just to see what he’s up to. To see whether or not his status has suddenly changed to “In A Relationship”.

I recently checked only to find that I had been removed from his first page, top 12 or however many. This is of course understandable. We did break-up ages ago, and I did very immaturely end our friendship. And oh, sometimes when I find myself taking that little peak at his page, my eyes go a’ gander down to the comments section.

I looked today and saw that some stupid blond chick (no offense against blonds, a remark only fueled by unwarranted jealousy), who’s all into photography and seems to have done all these great fucking things is now “New” and is commenting on his page. If you didn’t catch it, I clearly looked at her page too = MORE PSYCHO OF ME. He commented on hers too. It’s all this flirty fucking banter, and I for whatever reason can’t stand it.

Shriek.

I mean, geez, we ended things ages ago. We ended things twice as long ago as our relationship even lasted. We ended our friendship 1 month ago. Why do I even fucking care? I didn’t think I cared, but I reacted unbelievably strong. I surprised my own-damn-self.

Of course I’m now thinking (well, maybe not ‘of course’ to others), when we first started hanging out, it was me that he MySpaced right away. It was me that he requested as a friend right away. And now, there, in front of my own presumption eyes, I developed their entire relationship. I can’t stand that she’s now getting all the happy moments that I once got.

But really, why do I care?

THREE POSSIBLE REASONS:

1. He’s the last person I was with, and with no one else to take my mind off things, I still wonder about him… but not because I really want him?

2. I’m pissed because he found someone before I did, and he was the one that fucked me over even though I “officially” broke up with him the second time. Why is he all rewarded with the cloud 9 that comes with the onset of courtship?

3. This 3rd one I just can’t figure out – is it because I still really do like him? Do I still think that he has the most qualities I’ve ever wanted in a man and think that I’ll never find someone as close as he is to my ideal?

So why? Why am I writhing? Why did I just put my hands back on both cheeks, rest my elbows on my desktop, and stare down at the cheap-ass-fake-brown called my desk?

Why do I care!??!?!?! Why? Why? Why? It’s ridiculous!!! I couldn’t be more stunned at my reaction…. Okay, well, that’s kind of lie… kinda’ not.

What’s the natural way of handling this if you’re PSYCHOTIC?

Answer:

Delete him as a friend on MySpace. (like he’ll ever notice, but a Digital Delete is cathartic)

MiSS PSycho CurioS

2007-12-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

I have reached a new level of psycho. I'll write about this later today. Let's just say, it has something to do with cyber-stalking.

Possible to Get Back Into Christmas?

2007-12-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

When did Christmas become something we had to get through?

I remember anxiously awaiting the holiday season. The decorating of the Christmas tree accompanied by classic xmas tunes and the necessity of hanging particular ornaments. The overly satiating of my Santa belly with my mom's peppermint cookies and tamales. The purchasing of holiday pajamas. The succumbing to horrid holiday photos that people our family hasn't seen for years will be getting in the mail with some "Season Greetings" note from the CuriouS family. Sometimes all of our names would be written. The bricks in over-sized boxes my parents used to delude MiSS CuriouS from incessantly guessing her gifts wrapped in some cheesey snowman paper with ribbons that were meticulously curled by my dad.

This year I've been trying to reclaim that old Christmas spirit. I bought this:

http://www.bestvideo.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=796019803151&click=2

Anyone remember these? I remember never missing them. At the store, the cashier went on about her memories of these TV movies. It sparked something in her, and I was happy to see it.

I bought a poinsettia. I put up white Christmas lights. I bought an apple cider smelling candle. I'm trying.

Anyway.

Moving on.

I listen to my iPod wherever I go. I'm lost without it. I have the appearance of some rotten kid. I think people would be surprised as to what it is I'm listening.

These are my songs as of late:

Singing in the Rain, Gene Kelly (quick note: it's impossible to listen to this and not be happy. Try it)
They Can't Take That Away From Me, Fred Astaire
On Broadway, George Benson

And on that same playlist with Fred Astaire...

The Knowledge, Janet Jackson
I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt
Nothing Fails, Madonna
Candidate, David Bowie
Then a gazillion Tori Amos songs
Hold Me Now, The Thompson Twins
Lovestain, Jose Gonzalez

Guess I like random shit.

MiSS CrazY

2007-12-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

THOUGHTS ON SEX:

Sometimes I think my libido's abnormal for a chick. I find that I think about sex with great frequence. Perhaps it's just because I'm not having it. I wonder how often dudes think about it. If it's more than me, than poor-poor boys. They must all be suffering.

And well, I do um, "take care o' my shit" relatively often. By often, I mean several times a week. Okay, like 5 times a week. However, when I'm in a relationship, I think about sex less often and rarely "take care o' my shit"... like almost never.

Based on conversations with my friends, I seem to be an oddity in the female world.

THOUGHTS ON MEN:

Yesterday my co-workers and I somehow found ourselves discussing our elaborate fantasies. One male was present, and let's just say his eyes very well could have popped out of his head. Since I have no men to think about, my fantasies of a man have become rather involved.

In fact, I put myself to sleep with thoughts of him. He has a face. A face that I made up.

He has a face, a body, a style, a job, friends... all detailed in my fantasy of him. I've imagined our meeting. I imagined the number of dates it would take for us to kiss, 3. The number of dates it would take for us to bang, 5. He's a pleaser in el sack. I've imagined us at game night with Tall K and Little K. I've imagined him touching my knee under the table. I put my hand over his. We don't look at each other. We merely feel the other. I imagine how it would feel. I see myself holding my eyes closed for two seconds longer than a blink.

I've envisioned dates he'd take me on and things he'd say to me. About me being like no other girl he's ever met. All the standard romance cliches are present in my fantasy.

He doesn't have a name. He hasn't met my parents. We haven't passed the 5th date mark.

But he's here. Here in my head.

Yes, crazy.

But then, my co-workers began sharing their fantasies. The number of dates they'd been on with their imaginary man. One girl had a face to hers. A man she's only just seen. She's dreamt him up though. His history, how they'd finally speak. Where they'd kiss.

One girl even chimed in that she went straight to the altar with her imaginary man. Wow.

And so tonight before I fall asleep, I'll think of him.

MC Does Depressing, Again... Haha!

2007-12-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

I finally started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the first chapter she professes her pain of the many nights spent on the cold tiled floor of her bathroom as tears poured from her eyes. She reached a point in her life where she almost had to start over. She reached a point where everything she thought was important and the life she built was no longer what she wanted.

Then I started thinking about crying into pillows or in showers. I started thinking about nights like hers where I’d ask someone, something out there what to do, where I’d ask someone, something out there to help me.

When a book that’s a best seller delves into these depths, I realize that I’m not alone. It’s strange to think of my friends or my sisters or my brothers or my mom or my grandma of having those nights where their body shook from sadness, and sounds barely escaped from their mouth.

As always, I’m obsessed with the meaning of life or the lack thereof, and most of my crying births from life merely being survival. Life’s meaning = to survive? Humankind simply here to survive?

It’s difficult to think I’m just surviving. It’s difficult to string together all the good moments in life. It’s difficult to appreciate all that I have in this very moment. And so, I have a good moment here and the next moment I’m thinking about why the hell do I “maybe” have a cyst in my ovary? Or why aren’t I attractive enough? Or make more money? Or why can’t I seem to ever untangle my headphones?

Guess I’m being kinda’ depressing, haha. Laugh at me. I will.

JOB:

As I’ve mentioned, I’m putting the feelers out for a new job. Last night I had to take some silly aptitude test for one company. Of course the writing sample had to be about a character named Bam, and I then wondered where he was and what he was doing right then... BUT, That’s beside the point, and the thought swiftly disappeared. Back to the job, I hate this in between stage. I know I need to move on from my current job, but I can’t imagine leaving… and I can’t imagine staying. It’s an asking the someone, something out there to “help me” to tell me “what to do.”

On my way to an interview one morning, I thought about all the people on that bus who at one point also had to go on an interview. Those employed, all had to go apply for the job and hope to hear back and hope to do well in an interview and hope to get the job. And then, there they are now, waking up much earlier than they’d like… already looking forward to the end of the day… already looking forward to the end of the week.

And when they go home, they don’t do all the pleasurable activities they’d like to do. What do they do? They unwind. Unwind from a job they wish they weren't obligated to go to. Unwind and then start the whole thing all over again the next day. The next week. How bleak. Haha. Oye!

BOYS:

Wouldn’t mind having one. Know anyone?

LOOKING FORWARD TO IN DECEMBER:

2 Tori Amos shows
1 Tool show
3 Holiday parties
1 Christmas
2 Cousins ages 2 and 6
1 Family gathering from 1 side of the family with a 2 shots of tequila tradition
1 Family gathering from the other side of the family

RANDOM THOUGHT:

I was thinking the other evening about the time I lived with a boyfriend, Bad Break-Up. During that time, I, on a couple of occasions, thought how lovely it was to be able to go home and have sex if I wanted it that night. I could have sex whenever I wanted. Wow. I could go home and feel his flesh against mine... he was always ready and willing. Hmm.

Now, that's a distant memory.

:-)

2007-12-03T13:59:00.001-08:00

I'll post tomorrow!

Where Does Love Go Wrong?

2007-11-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

In my business we handle a lot of asset division for individuals going through a divorce. I’ve reviewed separation agreements and divorce papers. Every time we do a divorce it breaks my heart. I often get bits and pieces of the divorce proceedings. I have yet to see a divorce without one party taking vindictive actions.

They once had a first date and a first kiss. Their hearts once pitter-pattered upon finally using the ‘L’ word. They wondered who would say it first and whether or not the other would say it back.

At one point, the man (being traditional here) planned his proposal. At one point, he got down on one knee and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She probably cried and squealed yes. She thought about whom she would call first to tell the good news.

She’d probably been wondering when and how he was going to propose. When he did, she probably said “wow” when she looked at herself in her wedding dress.

And then on the wedding day, in front of family and friends, they both said they loved one another above all the rest. They said they wanted to be together until death do them part. They looked into each other’s eyes and kissed as husband and wife.

Where did it go wrong?

Where did love bend to hate?

Did either in the back of his or her mind think it might not last? Did either of them simply marry because he or she was afraid to be alone? Are people just marrying for all the wrong reasons?

Hm.

We always forget why we loved the person in the first place.

I love this quote from When Harry Met Sally. His friend and Sally’s friend have just been married and are moving in together. Something one of them says sets Harry off…

Harry: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that's wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Marie: Harry.
Harry: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. Because someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table.
Jess: I thought you liked it?
Harry: I was being nice!

It’s true. This is what I see.

I feel for anyone who’s gone through a divorce. It seems to be one of the harder things a person goes through in his or her life.

I so want forever. I so want ‘til death do us part.

Sheesh, I really have cheesey-ass tendencies. Oh ‘vell.

Another Reason Miss Curious Is Plain Strange:

I realized the other day that since I have an overly-active, I memorize things. I hadn’t really thought about why I do it until recently. Without any serious activity in my life as of late, I keep my mind occupied by memorizing.

My latest, which isn’t exactly memorizing, has been to learn how to say the alphabet backwards just as quickly as I can say it starting with A. I’ve gotten pretty good.

A few months ago, I memorized Seas.

I tried to memorize Bays, but for some reason that never took.

My next task is to memorize the order of presidents and the years in which they presided.

The Little House That Could

2007-11-26T12:14:00.000-08:00

Since I was home in So Cal for the holidays, I thought I'd take some quick pix of our home that fortunately didn't burn down. The fires got very-very close, and we'd almost given up on our house. But, it now still stands.

Thee front door.

The hallway where I practiced my leaps and kick combinations for dance class. It's all still there!

Our home is surrounded by trees making it huge fire hazard, eeks!

The staircase I yell up when I get home late at night, so my mom is appeased.

For Thanksgiving, I went home, but my parents went to Massachusetts to visit the rest of the family. I had the house all to myself. One of my sister's came over, and we celebrated Thanksgiving together. People didn't seem to understand that spending the holiday sans-family (well, most of it) was okay. Although, I'm very much a people person and seemingly want constant stimulation, I appreciate my alone time immensely. And so, my trip was a beautiful one... a relaxing get away from the chill and fog of San Francisco.

BOYS:

Being away from the city and any sort of social life, I'm always able to clear my head... especially of boys. But then, really, there are no boys in my life who I need to clear my head of. It's funny how I can be in this spot where I feel all strong and shit because I have control over my emotions... where I'm not waiting by the phone and always trying to guess what the other person is thinking. When I'm in this mindset, it's hard to imagine that I ever sweated any of that shit. It's hard to imagine that there was ever a time a boy had enough control over my heart to make me want to cry. It's this place - this single Miss Curious place in which I feel the most comfortable. Hm.

However, my psycho-self suddenly popped back up when I got back to SF with a catalogue waiting for me. In that catalogue, I found this set of rings. I decided I wanted them to be my wedding rings. At the age of 22, I read an article on the diamond trade at which point I vowed never to buy a diamond or accept one unless it's my grandma's. (DISCLAIMER: Please don't think I'm judging should you purchase one. This is a personal choice, and I imagine you never read that article, haha. I do a lot of things, like own a leather purse, that I'm sure people can't stand, so who am I to judge anyone else.)

So, as I've mentioned before, us women are crazy and have our whole weddings planned out and shit. Of course, I have ZERO prospects, but this ring just made me think about maybe one day having someone give these to me with some promise of forever. How cheesey can I possibly be? Crazy talk!!! Now that I'm writing this and even posting this frickin' picture, I can't believe how ridiculous I am. Picking out a wedding ring!?!? Seriously Miss Curious. Sheesh. Don't mind me. I just like these rings. :-)

Motley Monday

2007-11-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

The Personality Trait I Dislike Most:

Entitlement

Observation:

I often see men and women walking with the woman being highly animated and talking and talking, and the man simply nodding his head as though he were listening. Rarely do I see this situation in reverse.

Current Irritation:

Frivolous law suits. When did people stop being responsible for their actions?

Mood:

Distant

Thanksgiving:

Parents going to Massachusetts, me going to their home in So Cal and enjoying a big house all to myself. I can’t wait to be out of the city, soaking in the spa under stars I can actually see with my iPod playing on the outdoor speakers.

Thankful For:

My family. Health. Having a job. Friends (bosses and co-workers included). Food. Shelter. Music. My hair not falling out while frying it. Romantic comedies. Fairytales. Wash n’ Fold. Lime Popsicles. Fred Astaire. Converse. My sheets. My bed. Warm evenings. Daydreams. Concert T-Shirts. Online shopping. Lyrics.

Boys:

None. Not missing Bam today... much. Still can't tell if it's him or just someone. Left with my daydreams. Wondering if I'll ever have a love story to tell. A love story with a happy ending. I watched about five thousand romantic comedies, so I'm pretty much loving love right now. Well, the idea of it anyway. I must remember that not all relationships for me will end. It is possible to have one that lasts forever, and I need to realize that it's okay to be so lucky. You see, I have a hard time justifying a happy relationship when I already have been so lucky in my life. How is it possible to have that too? How is it fair to have that when there's so much suffering in the world? People dream of having food and shelter, and I'm dreaming about silly boys? Aye-Aye-Aye... must reconcile or I will never allow myself to be happy in love.

Loving These Lyrics:

Somebody
Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinkingIn fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all

She will understand me I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost likeI don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

Touching Texts

2007-11-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

Do guys text each other? For some reason, I don’t see texting as a guy thing. I can understand texting updates on games / scores, etc, but as a form of communication, I don’t see it.

When I see a guy texting on a bus or at a bar or wherever, I automatically assume he’s texting a chick. Chick’s are into texting. I love seeing a guy grin when he reads a text. The chick who’s texting him is on one end, and there I am, staring at some strange dude on the bus, who’s receiving her text. I get to see his reaction. I get to see him light up at the sight of her words. I also get to see him text back and then continuously check to see if she’s texted back yet.

On another note, I always have a hard time grasping that a guy is thinking about me when I’m not there. It’s a strange concept to be in someone’s thoughts. When a guy I haven’t spoken to in a while calls or emails me, I wonder what it was that made him think about me. I wonder how the conversation went in his head where he felt compelled to take action and call me.

I know I said I was going to write him off my blog, but today, I’m thinking about him. About Bam. I dramatically ended my friendship with him. Did I mention that? This one evening we set up a phone date because I had some questions for him. He didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t call me back.

I knew the next morning I was going to get an email with him apologizing for not being around and why he wasn’t around. That’s what he always does. And there, in my inbox was that email. I realized that our “friendship” was based on his time and his terms. He could always reach me, but I could never reach him. Doesn’t Mr. Big say that in Sex and the City? I don’t have caller ID at work, so he’d get me at work. Grr!!! I desperately wanted him to call me just so I could look at the phone and NOT pick-up. How ridiculous is that? I then wanted to be the person the next morning who apologized for not being around and giving him some lame-ass excuse like, “I was shaving my legs and couldn’t get to the phone. After that, it took me a really long time to lotion them up, and I was exhausted, so I hit the sack.”

‘Cuz really, that’s the bullshit he’d feed me.

I then sent him this vitriolic email with no punctuation because I was ranting and not breathing. I ended it with saying, “I’m over this.”

His rebuttal was in a pleasant pissed tone to which I simply replied, “whatever Bam.”

Needless to say, things didn’t end well. A few days later he emailed me about my parents in SoCal to make sure they were okay. It was sweet, and I thanked him.

But whatever, our friendship is totally over and over in a completely immature way thanks to me.

Today, however, I miss him. Today, I wish he were thinking about me. I wish that he didn’t have enough will power to stop him from emailing or calling or texting me.

If a friend were in my shoes, wishing her dude would call, the advice I’d give her was to move on… that the only reason she still thinks about him is that there’s no one else. If she had another prospect, she wouldn’t think twice about him.

So I wonder, is it because there isn’t anyone else that I still think about him? How can one tell?

The other day I went through some of my archives, and I re-read a post about the first night he slept over. I commented on the fact that he kissed my shoulder when he thought I was asleep. Then I started thinking about things he’d say… things he’d text… people who know me can probably hear this tone when I say, “who says that?” In a very good way. No one’s ever said some of the amazing – okay here’s a cheesy word, but it fits – “touching.” The things he’d say were “touching.”

Sheesh. Why am I thinking about him today? Why? What made me think of him?

Oh wait. Texting. He used to send me the cutest texts that I’d read over and over. I liked picturing the look on his face as he was writing them. I hoped he was smiling.

My Happy Space

2007-11-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I have an awful feeling that someone I really-really don't want to have found my blog, may have found it. Did you?

Perhaps those ladies who went private had a really good idea... but then, the damage has been done. I will reconsider going private the next time I date someone, which will be tomorrow, right? Hahaha! My grandma doesn't want me to call her back until I have a husband. Part of her is serious. Eeks!

I understand that I'm becoming more and more of a financial burden to my bosses, and the job prospects are grim. There's nothing out there that to which I'd even want to apply. It sucks ass. I don't want to just get a job to have a job. I want to make a commitment somewhere. I want a job that has a upward mobility. I've been looking in my field, but on a grander scale and one that doesn't depend on what Bernanke has to say. Grrr!

There once again is the prospect of me putting my shit in storage here and hanging out with my folks down south and working some part-time / temp job while still looking up here (San Francisco). I really can't afford to live in this city if I'm not making what I make now. If I were to kick it with the 'rents for a few months, I'd be rent free... I wouldn't have to pay for food, and I'd NEVER go out. But 29 and living with my parents? Oh well. Who cares. If that's what I want or need to do for a minute, then so be it.

But still... No one told us it'd be this hard, and I have it easy. If that makes sense.

Of course I love stressing myself out about what hasn't happened yet. It's just something to do. Be negative. Stress. Good times. Haha!

Since I have lost sleep over these thoughts, I decided to create a happy space... really. You know, like Adam Sandler did in Happy Gillmore, so he'd be a better putter. Except mine doesn't involve women in lingerie, a bicycle, and a midget.

I see myself on a small boat, gondola'ish, but not quite... I have music playing, some Nina Simone or Fred Astaire... I'm shaded... I'm floating down some pretend river lined with green trees... it's completely isolated... I now close my eyes and can almost feel the light rocking of the boat... ahhh, happy places really do help. They really do.

Well, random post. Oh well.

A Very Judgmental Miss Curious

2007-11-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

PEDESTRIANS:

I don’t have a car, so I’m solely a pedestrian these days. You’d think that I’d be all about pedestrians owning the streets and shit, but really, there are some serious jerk-off pedestrians that should just get hit by a car. Okay, that’s mean, but you get the point.

Almost everyone who’s ever driven in traffic has been caught blocking the intersection and pissing off whole lotta’ people. As soon as that walk sign turns, the pedestrians don’t give a shit that there’s a car blocking the intersection. If the driver could just slip by in one minute, it’d save a lot of headache. I mean, c’mon, sometimes the light’s still green, and one thinks he or she is safe to cross. It was an accident. We’ve all done it. But those pedestrians are like “sorry, we know we could easily/quickly let you slip by, but we’re gonna’ walk in front of your car and take our sweet-ass time, so you remain there in the intersection.”

Anyway, that pisses me off. Just let them go.

I also hate when there’s someone who’s trying to make a turn, and the pedestrian makes it her prerogative to talk on her cell phone and walk slower than my grandma. Most pedestrians have the attitude that since the walk sign is on a car’s just gonna’ have to wait its turn, which is fine, sure, I get it. But then, when is that turning-car’s turn? It’s walk on green, and it’s walk on red.

While yes, it’s the pedestrians turn, they can have some respect and walk a little faster, so our traffic / pedestrian flow can be harmonious and not sanctimonious.

Also, pedestrians hate when a car has pulled out to get a good view of the traffic he or she will be entering. The pedestrian gets all pissed that his cross-walk is blocked. Yes, I understand. It is annoying at times, but often, a pedestrian can easily walk around it, behind it typically. I think it's important for us pedestrians to understand that a driver's vision can be severely impaired, and the driver may not be able to see other cars coming unless he pulls forward a bit.

Of course, some cars are complete assholes, but us pedestrians have the same tendencies as well. I’m just saying that we all need to work together.

GREEN FESTIVAL:

Yesterday, I went to the Green Festival here in San Francisco. I have a friend who urged me to go, and I was open to it. It’s nice to see people who take such an active interest in something. An interest that comes from a good place.

At first I wasn't sure how to get there when I got off the bus, but then, I saw a hippy and followed her. Haha!

Here I go being a stereotypical bitch, but sometimes Green People and hippies aren’t very Nice People. The thing is, some (some, not all of course) preach about being open-minded and loving and peaceful, but they’re only that way to people who think exactly like them.

Everyone’s different. We need to appreciate our differences. We need to understand that people are they way they are for one reason or another. Not everyone’s been raised in a situation where hippy-dom and going Green can be a top priority. Maybe some people get their self-esteem from maintaining a beautiful, brand-name wearing yuppie appearance. We can’t always make assumptions about people and presume we’re somehow better than others. We just don’t know.

I mean, I don’t quite fit your hippy or yuppie and not quite some indie or rocker chick… I’m in between. But how many Green Peeps would give up a year or two of their life and volunteer in the Peace Corps? I’m not saying it makes me a better person, I’m saying that you wouldn’t guess that I’d have done it. I don’t think you’d guess I was in a sorority either.

There are so many judgments made, and I often think, Green Hippy People make A LOT despite what they preach.

It’s funny because I put a lot of thought into what I was going to wear yesterday. I didn’t want to wear too much black. I almost put on this shirt that had a reference to the army given to me by a Green Beret. Although I don’t support war in the slightest, that Green Beret believed in what he was doing. He believed our administration was good. He really was a good guy, and who knows what kind of family in which he was raised. If you’re told your entire life that America’s honest and the best and this and that coupled without the capacity for greater thinking, one could continue on that path. Can I blame him? Nope.

I ended up putting on a shirt that was light in color and had the word River on it.

Anyway, I’m being judgmental here myself, but I’m simply trying to make a point.

MY NEW HAIR:

I get bored pretty easily, and every once in a while I like to fuck with my hair. This weekend I decided to go LIGHT, with highLIGHTS. My hair is naturally some shade of brown.

BEFORE: (please note, sizing pics messes shit up, oops!)

AFTER:

2 YEARS AGO:

Oops, Did I Do That?

2007-11-08T14:23:00.000-08:00

2 Bartenders in 1 night. And, completely unintentional.

Let’s start at the beginning. I started looking for jobs. Not too actively, but I sent out like 3 resumes and interviewed with one. I had 3 interviews with their company and over 6 hours of getting grilled AND a test.

Tuesday afternoon, I found out I was first runner-up. Whatever!!!

Anyway, this was the first job in 5 years I would have taken. I’d interviewed 3 times while I’ve been at my current job, but declined all 3. Now, of course, this one I SUPER wanted and didn't get. I then felt as though I’d been broken up with.

Tall K and I stopped our weekly drinking session with the end of the summer, but having that bummed feeling in the pit of my stomach, I needed some solace. Poor Tall K gets my non-stop jabber-jaw.

I had an appointment after work. It ended earlier than expected, so I had tons of time before meeting Tall K. I decided to walk across town. On my route was my old favorite bar, Cheers, home of the infamous, Obsession.

I hadn’t seen him in a few months. I wasn’t eager to see him after my romantic vision of him was shot to hell when he cheated on his GF with me (again, initially unbeknownst to me). I had to go to the bathroom, so I thought I’d stop by, use the bathroom, and say a quick hello.

He greets me. We chat for a minute. He asks for my phone number. Are you fucking kidding me? He’s asked for my number like a hundred times. Apparently he lost his phone. In a light-hearted voice, or maybe a little annoyed tone, I said, “why do you need my number?”

He quips, “never mind,” and walks away.

“Obsession, you’re kidding, right? You have to know I was only messing with you? I’ll give it to you.”

“No, it’s okay."

“Wow, I didn’t think you’d react like that.” Um, acting like a child! “Ok. So, anyway.”

We proceeded to talk for a little while. He told me how he and his girlfriend were about to break-up. In my head: oh right, I heard that statement after we hooked up 6 months ago. If my eyes weren’t looking at him, they’d be hardcore rolling!

“All right. I gotta’ go” I tell him.

“Don’t be a stranger.”

This story doesn’t end here. You’ll get the rest later in this post. This is all chronological order.
I continue my walk across town listening to some inspirational tunes, so I didn’t feel like such a loser for not getting the job. And also, for being so hard on myself because I did get far in the process. And, I’ve had much success in the past, so whatever.

I reach Tall K’s house. He comments, “did you see who’s working at the bar?” Tall K lives next door to iBartender's I-quit-there-I-work-there-again bar, so I could feasibly see in the bar, but I didn’t care to or think to. “iBartender.”

“Oh. I haven’t seen him in ages,” I nonchalantly reply. A tone I actually mean.

“Yeah, he hardly works there anymore."

We get to the bar with our whole two steps.

iBartender was looking his cute-self with an adorable little hipster t-shirt. He’d luckily put on a pound or two and no longer looked like a junky. We said huge hellos and I’ve missed you’s. We're both those over-exaggerated personalities. They now have a juke-box, so no more Miss Curious iPod on the bar speakers. As I stood there selecting my songs, iBartender came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and proceeded to kiss my cheek a hundred times. His whiskers tickled, sweetly. I stood still.

For the rest of the night, he told me about all his life problems and gave plenty of hugs and compliments on my song selections.

Unlike ages before, I left there knowing his game. I finally fucking got it. And I realized just how much younger than me he was. 3 years in actual numbers, but years and years as to where we are. It was so strange to me that I’d been as interested in him as I once was. I still think he’s rad because we have a strong music connection, but that’s as far as it goes. End of story.

Well, not end of this blog story.

I hadn’t eaten dinner. It was 9:30 pm. I’ve only been drinking once a week, and my tolerance isn’t high. Needless to say those couple o’ beers did me in. Was I just saying above that I’m more mature than a 26 year old boy? Maybe not.

I decided I had to drunk dial Obsession. I was annoyed with how childish he’d been earlier. I thought I’d laughed it off when I walked away. But for some reason, I needed to call him.

An old dude in my life, Kansas, has the same name as Obsession. I accidentally called him. When I realized it, I quickly hung up and tried to dial Obsession (key word: tried). Oh wait, oops… who’d I call again?!?! Kansas. Hung up again. Oh my god.

3rd Try. Got Obsession's voicemail, as expected. I just told him, “here’s my number loser.” Okay, I didn’t use loser, but I commented on his overreaction.

Why the hell did I do that? I never cease to amaze myself with what a complete ASS I can be. But, when life’s boring, I gotta’ stir shit up. Guess I'm one of those personalities, and unfortunately conscious of it.

Then, oh, next morning I got an email from Kansas saying that he saw I’d called. He’s going out of town today, but wants to get together when he returns. I didn’t mention that I accidentally called him. His email was so sweet with those "great hearing from you... oh my god, how are you... this is what I've been up to, etc." So sure, it’d be fun to see him if he does call upon his return.

There you have it. No ground breaking moments (?), but interesting encounters with my two ex-favorite-bartenders where things got messy! Well, it is kinda' ground-breaking in the fact that I don't quite understand why they seemed so "great" at one point. Weird.

The Hook-Up List

2007-11-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

Last night as I was searching for my To Do In Life list, I stumbled upon my Hook-up list. Apparently, in December of 2004, I thought it'd be a great idea to write down all the guys I've made out with from simply a kiss to "going all the way."

This list even had a key for the symbols next to each guy. A heart meant that I actually liked him. A star meant we had sex. And so on.

I've bumped into that list on a couple of occasions, but I had a different feeling about it this time. A strange feeling. I almost wished that there hadn't been so many.

Now I feel like there is an intensely strong level of intimacy with sex and even... kissing. I know I still fuck around here and there, but it gets emptier and emptier.

I wondered how I could have pressed my lips against so many others. How our tongues could have touched. How I could have removed all my clothing and had men lie on top of me. How I could have kissed their necks as I tried to arouse them. How I could have put their cocks in my mouth.

I almost wished I'd only done that with the men I loved... all two of them.

I remember with that dude I most recently dated, who's name we won't mention, but it starts with a B... anyway, I remember hating the thought that he was with anyone before me. I hated thinking he penetrated some chick and his droplets of sweat fell upon her body.

I couldn't stand the thought.

I'd NEVER had that thought about any other guy I've dated. NEVER. And I really mean that.

Normally, okay this is sick and fucked up, I sort of enjoyed hearing about their previous intimate experiences. I thought it was hot to picture them fucking chicks... going down on chicks... what their first sexual experiences were like.

But then with B, from day #1, I didn't even want to know their names, know that they had names. He told me one chick's name and for whatever reason I felt sick. He told me on another occasion that everyone liked one of his girlfriends (followed it by saying she didn't challenge him), but still, I again felt sick... and then called her a big fat HO in my head. And that is NOT ME!!! I didn't want their to have been anyone before me. WEIRD! Seriously, it tripped me out. Was I suddenly insecure? Am I more insecure in my later years?

Maybe, I'm growing up... changing... becoming more serious? What the hell?

Anyway. It was strange to come across that list and feel the way I felt seeing it.

Hmm, well, okay, another thought... lately, I've been going out less... going home, turning on the heater, slipping into my polka-dot flannel pajama bottoms, lighting my Mt. View scented candle, and reading a book or watching a romantic comedy or The Bachelor. I feel like I've been so simple lately. That I've somehow regressed into my youthful innocence, and then I stumbled upon some loss of innocence, and I hated it.

Crazy thoughts. 'Scuse Me!

I Will Try My Hardest To Be Less Absent... and Be More Inspired!!!

2007-11-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, so super blurry pic. Oops. I'm so the anti-sexy Halloween girl. This year, I was at the last minute Charlie Chaplin. There was no good reason other than my roommate had a black wig.

Halloween was mmm, okay. Lately, I've been kinda' bored with going out and drinking. Like, I have zero interest. I haven't felt drunk in like a month, and I haven't smoked bud in a like a month.

I suppose that's why I've been absent from the blog lately... uninspired. :-(

But, boring Miss Curious never lasts long, so I gotta' get a move on!!!

What's HOT To Miss Curious

2007-10-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

When I was in Amsterdam years and years ago, my friend and I considered going to a live sex show. Being the young and CURIOUS girl that I was (sorta’ still am), I wondered what it’d be like. It wasn’t something I ever sought, but while I was there, it was a ‘wow, how do other people have sex?’ I mean, we can all watch porn, but that’s like watching Cinderella Story with Hillary Duff. You know, just not reality.

Anyway, be careful what you wish for (okay, I really wasn’t wishing for it, but anyway). This morning on my way to work it happened. I think I may be scarred for life. As I waited for that little “walk” man to appear, my eyes wandered to two homeless people having some morning sex.

DISGUSTING!!!

Why God WHY??!?!?!??!?!

It wasn’t pretty.

Moving on. And please whoever is above, eradicate that memory from my mind forever!

OH BOY:

I’ve been to a lot of straight bars lately. Since I’m relatively outgoing, I end up meeting people fairly regularly. This includes meeting men. More often than not, I meet some dude, who asks for my number or asks if I go to that bar a lot and that he hopes to see me there again or this or that. Some are cute, some aren’t. Some are witty, some aren’t. Whatever.

Anyway, this weekend, I met another dude. He was a cute little hipster dude. He asked the same questions and gave me his number. I was even interested in calling him until I woke up the next morning. I’m not a “dater.” I can’t just date random dudes where I know it’s just not going to go anywhere. Sure, I hook-up here and there and give a guy a chance, but at the end of the day, I’m kinda’ intense. These days I am looking for something "real" and not that fucking around bullshit I sometimes do... like, no dudes just 'cuz I'm bored and need some entertainment. I want someone who matters. (does that sound mean?)

So this recent guy, who is perfectly nice, made me realize that the number one quality I look for in a man is intelligence. I don’t want him to simply be able to hold a good conversation and be relatively bright. I want him to be exceedingly intelligent. This guy was smart, sure. But wouldn't give me a run for my money.

For some reason, it makes me feel girly. It makes me feel like he’ll always challenge me. I am in no way saying that I’m some brilliant chick. I think it’s obvious from this blog that I’m not. I’m just sayin’ I like an uber smart dude.

It’s so HOT to me.

Be nerdy, who cares.

Top Ten Qualities I Look For in a Man (in order):

1. Brilliant
2. Self-Aware
3. Sarcastic (and can take my shit right back)
4. Lives with Integrity (genuinely knows what that means)
5. Be into something, so I don’t make your life… you have one.
6. Horny, like often (believe me, I’ve dated guys that could do with sex once a week or once every 2 weeks)
7. Ambitious
8. Has good friends
9. Taller than me
10. A cock that’s either average or above average (really small would kinda’ suck)

So, yeah. When will men – women – boys – propagation – true love – romance, blah blah blah, ever leave my mind. But really, not one person can say they haven’t at some point or another obsessed about it or still obsess about it… and over-analyze boys and shit. Whatever. I’m annoying myself, hahaha!

Single and Straight?

2007-10-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’ll admit, I check dudes out and try to assess whether or not they’re single or gay.

1. If he’s walking a cute little fluffy dog or Chihuahua, he has that dog because his girlfriend chose it or because he’s gay. If it turns out he’s straight, I personally wouldn’t want some pussy dude walking a frilly animal, so single and straight don’t matter in such a case.

2. If he’s walking two dogs, then I think he stays home with the dogs and his girlfriend. Two dogs are a big commitment, and a single guy is out too much trying to get laid and doesn’t have the time to take care of two dogs. 2 = pussy whipped at home catering to all three animals.

3. The other night I was at a show. While I was at the bar, I spotted an uber cute boy. But then, I saw he ordered a beer and a VODKA CRAN. If you see a dude ordering a vodka cran, that’s for his chick. Straight dudes don’t order that kinda’ thing. If you see a dude ordering two beers or a variety of beer and/or a brown drink (whiskey or scotch), him being attached is not a given. It’s to be researched further.

4. If he’s wearing a tight shirt where his hard nipples poke through, he’s gay. This is not a metro-sexual trait. He is homosexual. Which is, of course, all good, but he’s just gonna’ run from vaginas.

Anyway, these are a couple thoughts I had the other day.

NOT FUN NEWS:

My parents live in SoCal. My mom’s packing up our pictures and shit right now. I feel totally helpless and don’t know the severity of things. Eeks! Shit, if something happened, fuck. I can’t even imagine. All our neighbors are evacuating. Scary-scary!

Oh Right...

2007-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have a blog. I'll update tomorrow. I think I have some thoughts ;-)

Dirty, Dirty Sex

2007-10-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Here is my dad's email responding to mine from yesterday:

It appears to be part of the male reproductive strategy to "sow seeds" widely, but make a special effort to see that at least some of the offspring grow up to reproductive maturity. Thus, the female tries to determine if the interested male is only in the sowing frame of mind, or if he has chosen her as "the one" he has selected for a more substantial ongoing investment of resources.

Hmm, so a man really can have a monogamous nature, but only after sowing his oats. Seems like there is . Interesting.

EMBARRASSING:

Yesterday at work I received a MySpace message from a dude I hung out with about 3 years ago. I haven't talked to him in over a year as he's had a girlfriend, and our rendezvous's ceased.

The subject says:

I had a dream...

Email:

about the dirty, dirty sex we used to have. It was good. (dirty, dirty in the sense that we had good chemistry and pushed each other around... and that, he loves my BJ's w/ a whole-lotta' spit... nothing one might gather from such a description)

So, we had some guy visiting our office trying to muster up some business. I've met him a few times before from having done business with him. He comes up behind me and says, "what are you up to?"

He read my email. (what the fuck?)

And said, "oh my god... no," as he covers his eyes, turns around, and walks away. I turned beet RED!!!

Part of me hoped he hadn't read it until the owner of the company overheard me telling someone about my humiliation. He caught the biz associate's name and said, "oh hey, what happened with him. While I was on the phone with him this morning, he asked what the laughing in the background was. I told him it was Miss Curious laughing."

The biz associate then replies, "whatever you do don't look over her shoulder."

Owner of my company, "what do you mean?"

"Oh nothing - nothing." The owner dismissed it until he hears someone near me laughing and using the biz associates name.

Bright Red Again!!!

He wouldn't leave until we relayed the story. BAD IDEA!!!

The owner of our company time and time again has said, "don't tell me anything you don't want the entire office to know." That is true. He canNOT keep his mouth shut.

Now, we drew a small crowd with the owner saying, "oh did you hear Miss Curious' story?"

Fuck Me!!!

But then, that conversation led to the fetishes of the men in our office. One in particular went into the happenings of his younger years.

Apparently, there's "Fire Play"... a whole process of just barely feeling the heat of the flame... something like candle wax, but riskier, which makes it all the more exciting.

Then he discussed how big the "Saran Wrap" scene is. People enjoy having their entire bodies saran wrapped with holes to breath and see... and a hole for the dick and balls and ass-crack to stick out. Then, the dominant partner has free reign. NUTS!!!

He went on to talk about the bondage - discipline - domination - submission (BDSM) and general sado-masochism. There apparently are entire training sessions on that shit.

WOW!!!

Oddly, I'm kinda' vanilla. I haven't been tied up or blind folded or had anal sex (eeks - ouch!) or role-played or done any golden shower shit.

I guess the grossest thing I've done is lick a dude's ass... in retrospect, I don't understand how I could have done that. It seems pretty gross-o, but then, in the heat of the moment, the story can always be different.

Hahaha!

Anyway... that's been my day. Typical.

The Genitalia Fit, But Not The Minds

2007-10-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

In line with my last post, here are more thoughts on the differences between men and women:

(this part is a little scrambled. the info provided was super long, and it's difficult to write the gist... hope you can sorta' follow)

First off, my dad sent me an article on the size of a man's genitalia. Yes, sounds gross, and I am a little uncomfortable even discussing it with him, but he's so scientific about the whole thing. The article discusses why men have larger penis' which is to insure that they impregnate a woman in order to have their sperm oust another man's. I was always under the impression that a woman gets pregnant almost immediately. Turns out that that's not the case.

For instance, a woman can sleep with one man one night. 24 hours later, with his sperm still inside her (not drippin' folks) having not impregnated her yet, the man with the larger penis can reach the cervix from an advantageous point, deeper. Also, according to the study written on male genitalia, men who suspect their wives or partners are cheating, thrust harder. Apparently, a penis has evolved to eradicate another man's sperm. The thrusting essentially jiggles it out and pushes his in. WEIRD!!!

Here's my email to my dad after having read the article - this once again addresses my issues with our purpose only being to propagate and all evolution is centered around greater reproduction of the human species:

Dear Dad,

Anyway, this entire article once again takes the romance out of romance. It only makes me more disenchanted... our only purpose being propagation, and we merely have ideas of grandeur. Saddening.

One thing I can't fully reconcile is if men and women have body parts that fit perfectly together for the mating process, then why have our wants and needs grown so far apart... almost inhibiting successful propagation? Women are clearly more unsatisfied with the actions of men. We can't stand the nature of men solely wanting to sow their oats. We withhold our bodies until we get the reassurance of monogamy and commitment from men. If we go back to the hunter/gatherer days, we should be satisfied with pregancy alone because our children will be raised in tribes... with interdenpendency.

For instance, I will not have children unless I find a man that meets certain criteria... having similar interests, making me laugh, etc. Why can't other members of a tribe fulfill such things? I understand that men have evolved to meet these needs, but still a woman's satisfaction is on the decline (per your chart - study you sent me).

Why have a world where male and female genitalia fit so well for successful reproduction, but have a mind that clearly inhibits it?

BAM:

Well, yes, we're writing him off the blog... our communication has pretty much ended... as of last week and having it stop is kinda' a bummer. Like so final. Like door closed, and I for whatever lame-ass-pathetic reason, I still can't stop thinking about his punk-ass. Guess I need a rebound. I don't get it though... it was a short period of time. Well, I suppose it didn't help that we were in constant communication up until last week. Bleh! Anyway.

Saturday night, I met some dudes... I was told not to leave until I gave my number out (I left). This always happens when I go to this particular bar - you know, a straight bar. And every time, I meet the same type of dude... guys who have serious drug problems or are crazier than I am or are totally pervy or just dumb or have no ambition... blah - blah - blah!

I'm just not interested in them.

Meeting other guys makes me realize how much I did like Bam. Although he wasn't perfect, no guy is, his imperfections were not dividing differences on my end... they were those lame insecurities I have and he has that create bumps along the way.

At the end of the day, he really was / is a great guy. Not sure if I wrote about this, but I wasn't feeling so well a few weeks ago and darted out of town for a week. I sorta' mentioned this to him and then suddenly, he emailed all the time "just checking in - are you doing well"... and then told me he'd answer his phone no matter what and to call him if I needed him. He said he wanted to be there for me.

I was taken aback. He was just so sweet and attentive, and it just made me feel so much better about things.

Anyway, one realizes how difficult it is to find someone like him when they meet so many NOT like him. Boo-Hoo! :-)

Will Men Be Obsolete?

2007-10-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

My father and I often have the conversation of, big surprise, the difference between men and women as well as the prevalence of happily married couples. He proclaims that more people are happy in their marriage than my cynical-self believes. Unfortunately, he’s been living in our small town for too long (my old town.) His research came as no surprise to me. While it seems more than half are happy, 60% isn’t good enough for me. Also, what’s a person’s definition of “happy.” And, interestingly enough, the percentage of women who are happy in marriage is almost half of the percentage of men who are happy. Sheesh, men don’t have a clue. Hahaha! Sorry dudes!

Below are some random tidbits from a study on men and women and their sexuality.

in connection with my previous post on pornography

…With rare exceptions, women do not purchase pornography, patronize prostitutes or become sex offenders. Studies show that men have many more sexual fantasies and lifetime sexual partners…

why men are monogamous, and it’s not because of their nature

…the overwhelming majority of individuals still confine sexual behavior to a single, exclusive partner. This pattern has existed throughout human history and can be viewed as a compromise between male and female sexual needs. Males benefit from this arrangement because they are spared the task of constantly seeking new partners and confronting the many conflicts which would occur in an "open market". But the arrangement does deprive men of the sexual variety many of them might otherwise prefer. Women have traditionally benefited from this arrangement by obtaining someone who will provide security for the family unit even if it means accommodating the male's somewhat greater sex drive…

not meant to marry?

…Census data indicates that the marriage rate has steadily decreased and the percentage of adults who are married has also significantly decreased. There has also been a substantial decline in the percentage of persons who report their marriages to be satisfying…

The chart didn't come out so clear. From 1976 - 2006, men and women have been asked whether they were happy in their marriages... below, men are blue and women are magenta.

Wow, what a decline in happy marriages. Higher expectations as the years go by? People being more honest about their relationships? Again, look at how staggering that figure is between men and women and their happiness in marriage. Men are simple. Hahaha!

divorce easier – and also a good reason why marriage is on the decline

In modern societies, women are capable of achieving independent economic status. As a result, they can choose to leave marriages which are unsatisfactory. This has affected men as well because they do not suffer from extreme social ostracism if they abandon their wives and families.

The article mentions that there are now a significantly large number of single moms, who are not teenagers, which was the case of the past. Women don’t need to marry men to support them and their kids. So really, do we want true romantic love or just some dude to bring home the bacon? ‘Cuz now that we can bring home the bacon, men are superfluous. Once again, sorry dudes!

Wow, this article makes me almost feel sorry for men. Pretty soon they’ll be obsolete.

But then, I’m still somewhat lost in the fantasy. I desperately want to believe in true love and romantic love and passionate love. All the statistics, however, give me no hope.

Although I do sound pessimistic all the time about relationships with dudes, I’m still a hopeless romantic. I don’t want to become too jaded… too closed to the idea of love… I don’t want to carry around some lame-ass baggage that all of us love to do. Baggage and going into relationships “safely” don’t help us. In the end, they fuck us. I don’t want to fuck myself.

I've said this once before... what I'm discovering about love is like discovering there's no Santa.

Ergh!

Porn and Pathetic

2007-10-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

All guys look at porn. Just like all guys measure their cocks. It’s a plain and simple truth.

The other day I had lunch with a male friend of mine. He relayed the story of the last argument he got into with his live-in girlfriend. Apparently he ordered porn online and meant to have it sent to work, but he messed up. Before he got home, his girlfriend opened the package (um, don’t get why a chick would do that, seriously). She opened whatever the hell porn it was and then freaked out on his ass.

She had the usual questions and concerns of: Am I not satisfying you enough? Am I not pretty enough? Do you have some porn addiction?

But then, she won’t blow him. She won’t let him go down on her. She never initiates sex. She never wants to have sex. So, men who inherently have significantly higher libidos need some outlet. Since men have like no imagination (just kidding), jerking off to the few images they can conjure up just gets old.

They need some fresh new material.

Frankly, them indulging in some sort of porn is a good sign. It means that they probably aren’t going anywhere else. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it’s a reasonable thought.

Anyway, I ask a lot of questions. People seem to be pretty open with me, so I’ve learned how common the use of porn is with men. It’s normal. It really is. But, with anything over-indulgence I’m sure can be a problem. Here and there, no worries.

I wonder what percentage of women actually buy porn. If anyone’s gonna’ buy it, it’s me. But not even I am really stimulated by visual porn. I do like female erotic, but that’s all words. Hmm. That’d be an interesting study. Well, I’m sure someone somewhere has already done that.

BOYS – BOYS – BOYS

Antonio’s a piece of shit I decided. The first night we hung out he was crazy, “let’s hang out… come visit me in such and such state… what are you doing tomorrow night? Wanna’ hang out? I’ll call you after work.”

Did I get a phone call? Of course not. I even got a bit of the ICK’s when he was overly interested. Yikes!

Then, I bumped into him a day later at his place of business. Again, he says, “Can I call you after work?”

I told him sure why not.

Any phone calls? NOPE!!!

Of course, he’s all the more attractive now that he’s not calling. And seriously, what the fuck? Why ask me what I’m doing? Why continuously say you’re going to call? He could have just left my house and told me he had a good time. I know he’s moving. I have no expectations of taking this any further than a very convenient fling (he works AND lives right around the corner from my house). He could have even just said, “hey, I’ll give you a call soon.” Not have been so specific about saying when we’re going to hang out and when he’s going to call me.

He’s fucking LA-AME!!!

Well, I’ve deleted his number, so I don’t accidentally drunk dial his stupid ass. And so, we write Antonio off the blog. Yes, DRA-MATIC of me (I recognize this), but I just don’t get dudes. I just don’t get them at all.

Speaking of dudes I just don’t get, if Bam’s blog name wasn’t so conveniently short, I’d rename him, Hot and Cold. One week, he’s emailing and calling all the time to make sure I’m doing well. The next week he totally ignores me. That was even the case in our relationship.

I really need to write him off this blog too.

But of course, this weekend is the birthday of the dude who set us up. He might get some people together (MIGHT). If that’s the case, Bam might be there. And I foolishly cannot wait to see him. I’ve already started thinking of what I’m going to wear. I then feel like such a pathetic dumbass. Sheesh. Miss Curious write him off - write him off

Ewww. I have a magnet on my file drawer that says, “Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them.”

Frankly, I’d really enjoy doing this at that time. Let’s work on writing these boys off completely. They need to be Goo Gone’d!!!

WHY ARE WE ATTRACTED TO CERTAIN DUDES?

I had a conversation with my psychiatrist dad last night. Since he and my mom were the unfortunate catalysts for my obsession with propagation of the species, I asked him why, if we know some dude would make a poor provider and poor father to our children… and the meaning of our attractions to the opposite sex is supposedly for successful propagation, then, why do we keep going back to those jerk-offs?

First off, how in the world does my dad know everything about everything? (well, he is pretty effin’ brilliant and is fascinated by everything, so he learns everything about everything)

Turns out he’s read some study on this a while back. The details are fuzzy, but apparently attraction is based on a couple of things the first being an imprint of a relationship during ones youth. How far back into one’s youth is another question.

So, this explains why women who’ve had alcoholic or abusive fathers find themselves with that type of man.

Or, they say men always marry their moms. My dad, for instance, grew up with a dominant mother. His father pretty much did whatever she wanted. And so, my mom is a dominant mother, and he has assumed the role of his father.

Then, however, I used the example of The Bachelor. Yes, cheesey. Anyway, if he’s introduced to 25 gorgeous by anyone’s standard women, and on the first night he gets minimal interaction with them, why does he choose to keep one over the other.

First, we can say that he’s attracted to certain features (why that too? Imprint of our youth?), but if he loves brown haired brown eyed chicks, why does he get rid of half of them?

My dad says that we aren’t aware of all the little characteristics we like. That those little things are imprinted within us. Examples include, small ears or feet. STRANGE. Guess this sorta’ explains why on the first night I bumped into Antonio at a bar, he commented on my small feet. Every time I saw him since then, he kept commenting on them.

Weird.

Chemistry though. How does that work?

Well, I could write a whole lot more about what he said, but I’ve already talked your ears off… if people really read this anyway, hahaha!

POST BLOG WRAP-UP:

Write-off the punk-bitch boys. They are so Dun-zo!!!

Let's Get Naked?

2007-10-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

(feel free to skip to Boys-boys-boys further down if you don't like my psychotic obsession with the meaning of life)

In my pursuit of happiness, I need to know that we’re not here to merely propagate because all roads lead to such a conclusion.

I saw Feast of Love last week (dee – press – sing)… I’m going to butcher the quote, but it went something like this:

Love is just a trick to get us to make babies.

And then, on like the one station I get (okay, exaggeration, I get a couple, hahaha!), there was that new TV show, The Big Bang. One of the characters snuck into a chick’s apartment to clean her room (yes, totally strange, but not the point)… his roommate tracks him down, and the cleaning dude tells his friend to speak quietly in a low register. He tells him this because women are sensitive to high-pitch sounds so they can awake should their baby need help.

You see, we’re designed to insure our offspring survives.

At Cal, I took an ancient Chinese history class. In it we discussed whether humans were inherently good. The professor seemed to think that we are. He used the example of a woman walking along and seeing a child about to fall into a hole. He said that almost any woman would instinctively run to save the child.

At the time, I thought, “wow, that’s true we inherently do want to help each other.”

But then, I was raised in a pure science home. I ran that scenario by my dad. Here was this professor, at Berkeley, smart dude, who had this example, which seemed pretty uplifting to me. So, my dad says, “well, yes, that still proves my point that we’re here to propagate because woman are programmed with such instincts since would be most likely that that child would be hers. That instinct is not exemplary of true goodness… it’s just the selfish gene that fuels a woman to take such actions.”

Dee-Press-Sing!!!

I want to know that our existence isn’t merely to propagate. I want to know that we’re not that basic. At this point, I see us like viruses that evolve to become resistant to whatever antibiotics that have been developed.

BOYS- BOYS -BOYS - AND MISS CURIOUS THE HO!!!

Well, I already got my answer as to who my next kiss would be. Unfortunately, the kiss came with such force that I didn’t get to enjoy the breath exchange right before it. His tongue hit my mouth and his lips followed.

Skim this post for details on him:
http://lilmisscurious.blogspot.com/2007/09/miss-curious-and-optimism-in-dating.html

I’d put off calling Antonio back because I felt like I was cheating on Bam, but Bam doesn’t want to be with me. So, I have to move on.

He came over when he got off work. He sat across the room in my over-sized chair. We smoked a bit and had some drinks. Then, we had what I like to call “Real Time” where we acknowledge that everything we’re about to say will be the complete truth.

He then divulged his life story… his insecurities, fears, what he wants to work on, how he thinks people perceive him. He’s two years younger and in dude years that’s like 6 years of maturity he needs to catch up on… sorry dudes!

I appreciated his honesty, immensely. It was fascinating and refreshing. I divulged just a bit because I’m actually Queen of Questions. I have a huge miss CURIOUSity.

We both said huge “wows” and that we’d make great friends.

A half hour later, he reached for a lighter on my desk where I’d been sitting. He then said, “I don’t want to be friends.”

He bent over and kissed me. I was taken by surprise. Since he came in with such a forceful tongue, I wasn’t quite enjoying myself.

I feel like the forceful tongue is something people work up to…work up to in the first kiss, fine… but not off the bat.

Then, however, I lost myself in it. I gave myself up to his fucking passionate as fuck kiss, and when he stopped, my eyes opened as widely as they’re capable of… those eyes of mine were both dizzy and screamed, WOW!

He went back to his side of the room, and we talked for a while until I hopped onto my bed, and he immediately followed. The making out ensued.

He’s very aggressive in the making-out department. He’s VERY sexual… like he wouldn’t get grossed out about anything, and he would be totally open to anything. We had a lot of boobage action, and he kept saying, “Let’s get naked!”

Um, NO WAY!!!

I really wasn’t into doing much, so things didn’t go very far despite his serious attempts.

Anyway, he moves out of the state at the end of November, and I’m thinking this really could be a fun fling.

However, he said he’d call yesterday and of course, didn’t. The thing is, I really don’t care that much. When I know something’s not going anywhere, I don’t really invest myself.

I DO NOT want to sleep with the dude. I’m such a STD hypochondriac, and a fling frankly isn’t worth the worry.

Perhaps he’ll call… perhaps he won’t, but I now have a kiss I can replay in my head again and again and my stomach drops every time.

Catching Up!

2007-10-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I took off to So Cal all last week?!?! I’m sure I was missed. So yeah, I hibernated while I over-analyzed life and all that bullshit. I came to the conclusion that I just need something to believe in… true happiness, true love, true goodness… something. I believe in integrity… going to sleep comfortable with how you treat people.

There’s just so much suffering in the world. There are so few people I know who are truly happy. So few people who love their jobs… have great relationships with significant others or great friendships… and of course we live in this world where people kill each other for money and power… and I’ll just never – never – ever understand that. I just don’t understand. It’s difficult for me to reconcile all of these things… and to believe in people… there’s just something more that I need in my life to be find myself engaged in the world instead of being so disenchanted with the state of things.

Well whatever, I’m powerless… so boo-hoo me… and blah-blah-blah!!! ;-)

REALLY DEEP THOUGHTS:

While I was at home, I went through some of my old skool clothes. Some were pretty frickin’ cute and coming back in style. But, they of course don’t fit me anymore. For one second I though, “Hmm, I should just loose some chub and use these as motivation.”

I’ve of course had those skinny clothes in my closet before, but do I ever lose my blubber? Um, no. So I swiftly said fuck it, I’m a woman now with a woman’s body, and I don’t give a shit if I don’t fit into my high school clothes, hahaha!

Speaking those extra lbs, I think I’ll eat some Support Your Co-Worker’s Kid’s Soccer Team Wafer Chocolate now. Great idea!

MORE DEEP THOUGHTS:

I once said that as certain as I would one day die, I was just as certain that I’d lick ass again one day too.

Now I don’t think that’s so true. Well, unless I dated some dude where he just had to have his ass licked, but really, the thought of it is kinda’ disgusting, and perhaps I’ll be lucky and find someone who can live the rest of his life without a good rim-job.

Thoughts of ass crack naturally led to whether or not I’d ever kiss a dude again. I mean really, there are no certainties.

I do, however, like to daydream of the next guy I’ll kiss. It’s so intimate. I love the part right before the kiss where your faces are so close to each other that you can feel his hot breath mingle with yours. Yes, cheesey, but it’s fun to think about nonetheless. Who oh who will I be that intimate with? Or maybe never. Really. It’s always a possibility. It just is. I hope that’s not the case.

And of course, women think kissing while men think fucking. Oh Geez!

EL JOB:

Malenky, thank you for the profession suggestion, hahaha. It does sound fun to be a sex therapist, but… but, I don’t know.

So, I sent out 2 resumes, and I got a call for one of the jobs. Much to my surprise. I had an over the phone interview last week, and they want me to come in this Friday. There’s a great chance I won’t get the job or perhaps I won’t even want it, but this signifies a step forward… that I really am ready for a change and am taking actions to potentially secure that. We shall see.

Green Eyes, I'm going to reply to your comment soon!

The Sex Lives of Others

2007-09-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had many conversations about the sex lives of others. Most recently, a friend told me that her boyfriend never went down on her. They’d been together in total for about 2 years. She said he was always begging her to do it, but that she felt self-conscious. When it comes to oral, I’m finding that this “self-conscious” feeling is more common amongst women than I had ever expected.

Others haven’t given their boyfriends blow-jobs in years. Some hardly ever have sex. The only relatively active couple I know have been hindered by some unfortunate female health troubles, which significantly diminished her sex drive as well as their general ability to even have sex.

How many times a week is considered normal? Most people I know have sex once a week. Sometimes twice.

Why is it that all these men are just taking what they can get? Pussy-whipped. Perhaps they simply feel glad they’re getting laid at all?

What happened to partners wanting to please one another? If it makes one’s boyfriend happy to get a blow-job, why wouldn’t one want to give it to him? It doesn’t have to be every night, but it’s a nice intimate thing to do.

It just seems that so many couples are lackluster about sex.

And it’s amazing that men and women have such a huge disparity in sex drives. I can reason everything back to the hunter – gatherer times and overall propagation of the species, but in the ways we evolved, there are still some pieces that don’t quite fit together.

It’s so interesting to me that every couple has this secret sex life wrought with issues that are perhaps reflections of how the relationship is really going or where a person is in his or her head… and then, how does the other partner react to the other’s low libido or high libido… or likes and dislikes --- if your favorite thing is oral, but your partner won’t perform or if you’re into porn and he or she isn’t… so on and so forth. What’s too much of a compromise?

But of course, I’m sure there are a lot of happy sex lives out there… I just have yet to meet those people, hahahaha!

BOYS:

I saw iBartender last night. He asked if I’d gone to an SF music festival… that he wondered if he’d bump into me. I often wonder if guys from the past ever think about me. I told him that when I hear certain songs, I still think of him. He then gave me my drinks for free, which was a nice gesture.

Fortunately, those feelings I once had for him are long gone.

Speaking of feelings that are long gone, Obsession is nowhere on my radar. Ever since he cheated on his girlfriend with me (unbeknownst to me and upon discovering I kicked his ass OUT!), I haven’t really thought so highly of him. It wasn’t just cheating with me that lowered my regard for him, but it's also that he justifies doing it on a regular basis, even saying, “I haven’t met a girl who makes me want to be faithful,” as though it’s her fault. He also did the, “my relationship with her really is over anyway. By June 1st, she’ll be gone.”

Then, that was not the case. They are still together, and according to my other bartender friend there, he is still cheating! No respect. He’s like 33/34. He should know better.

It’s discovering things like this about dudes that makes you appreciate the really good ones, like Bam. But then, Bam doesn’t want me.

Pity Party

2007-09-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

My job is so slow that i just watched a full episode of The Hills on my computer. Oh my god. I like to work. Sheesh.

With all of this time on my hands, I should be posting more. Oops.

THE LATEST:

Since I'm weak as fuck, I decided to email Bam last Wednesday. Yes, after only a week and a half. Of course we jumped right back into emailing, and he even called me that night saying, "finally you decided to email me."

He missed me. Hahaha!

The email has tapered off a bit, which is good... and bad. Bad because even still all I want to do is talk to him.

He makes me laugh incessantly. He has such a sharp wit, and I love a good kick in the ass. He's the first dude in ages, well, hmm, maybe ever that's been able to take my uber-sarcastic personality... and dish shit right back to me.

Erghhh. Oh well.

Why oh why do I do things that are oh so bad for me?

Meanwhile, I'm wallowing in my own self-pity about work. I really need to get off my ass and take the job hunt by the horns. Grrrrr!!!

Hot Sweat

2007-09-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I keep replaying my physical interactions with Bam in my head. There’s a particular instance I visualize again and again, and it’s the oddest thing to me. I suppose we can analyze all the animalistic reasons why it turns me on, but anyway, I guess I’ll just come right out and say it.

While he was on top of me, propped up by his arms, and banging away, I noticed a droplet of sweat running from his underarm and down his torso. And that’s it. That’s what I keep picturing. For some reason that moment of sweat was just HOT to me. I’ve had crazy-sweaty sex before, sure, but there was something about his force and this sweet escape of manliness running down his body.

It’s such a simple little thing that gets me going. Weird!

My feelings for Bam are certainly dissipating. I’m starting to finally accept that it’s completely over.

When these little fleeting relationships end or any relationship for that matter, I always think back to the beginning… the beginning as in the day you first met.

For instance, my first love lived in my dorms my freshman year in college. I’d heard things about him here and there, but never gave it any thought. He swam for Cal and had bleached blond hair, the perfect tan, and a tight body with a frickin’ hundred pack stomach. It seemed like he was into himself and seemed like your run of the mill jock.

It’d be funny to go back to those moments of passing him in the dining hall and say to him, “3 years from now, we’re going to fall in love. I’m going to realize that you’re actually a genius. You’re going to visit me in Ukraine during the Peace Corps, and then we’re going to have a tumultuous, unconventional relationship for the next couple of years. We’re going to hurt one another deeply, but we will also love each other deeply. By the time I’m 29, you will be the only person I will have ever truly been IN love with.”

I remember the first time my co-worker mentioned his friend Bam. He said that I HAD to meet him. He said that Bam and I would be perfect for each other. I remember looking at his MySpace photos. And if I went back to that moment and looked at those pictures, it’d be crazy to say to myself, “you’re the guy who’s going to fuck me a hundred times, think he’s almost in love with me, break-up with me after a month only to get back together with me two days later, and then you’ll break my heart again a month after that… and then, I’m going to think about your droplet of sweat for the month following that.”

Funny how things work out.

In other news, my job is still up in the air. What oh what am I going to do next? I’ve been at my current job for almost 5 years now. Changing jobs is going to be huge. I LOVE my bosses and my co-workers. Plus, what kind of position can I get where there is actually upward mobility? What do I even want to do? And when did life become so complicated?

I thought I’d grow up and have some profession that defined me. The job situation is clouding my head. I know I have to do something different. I know I need change, but it’s so frickin’ daunting. Eeks. An impending career change / change in how the majority of my waking hours are spent couldn’t be more freaky. (of course, I always have to reiterate… my problems are nothing compared to the woes of our world… I have to remind myself that I am so very lucky that I even have a job) Anyway.

UPCOMING SHOWS:

Okkervil River (just saw last week)
Wolf Parade
Editors
Medeski, Scofield, Martin, and Wood
Cat Power (maybe)
Ladytron (maybe)
The Cure
Interpol Tori Amos (2 nights, woo-hoo! And oh, crazy)

We're Not Alone

2007-09-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Reading Pink is the New Blog, I stumbled upon this quote from Nicole Kidman/Vanity Fair.

She admits she was "lonely" when she met Urban and tells of being alone after winning her best actress Oscar for The Hours. "You're in a hotel and you're like, 'Okay, well, I'm sitting in this big suite with an Oscar and I still don't have a life - what is wrong with me? Who do I jump on the bed with, and celebrate with, and order pancakes with?' That was painful, not having that person to share it with." Of Urban, 39, she adds: "I would probably say that two very lonely people managed to meet at a time when they could open themselves to each other. We were a mixture of frightened and brave."

Here she is, this beautiful woman with a successful career, two adopted children, and years of travel, events, attention… things we all dream about… and yet, all of that meant nothing when she was alone. None of those life experiences could complete her.

I don’t understand.

Miss Curious and Optimism in the Dating World... It's true

2007-09-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

He even has a name that screams fling. You know, one of those latin lover names like Flavio or Antonio, except he’s not actually latin. He’s the type of guy who looks you straight in the eye when he introduces himself, but then, quickly and shamelessly looks you up and down.

There’s nothing like a fling to get you over some punk-ass fleeting ex-boyfriend.

Okay, so I haven’t really had a fling yet, but I certainly have a potential fling in the wings.

Last Wednesday after Bam told me “more than friends” was never going to be an option, I decided to cease communication (not informing him of my decision... simply ceasing). Of course, that night I received 2 phone calls from him. The next morning I got a “where are you?” type email. One phone call that night. Friday morning came the “I hope you’re okay, Miss Curious. I am getting worried,” type email.

I finally decided to reply. I simply told him that I needed space… that emailing all day, everyday was not conducive to moving on.

Of course my email was not without one scathing remark. I did a PS which highlighted the fact that he had done the same thing to me (cut-off communication) on two occasions and at that time he had been boyfriend.

He apologized and told me he understood my need for space. He also said that he was there for me however I needed him and that he has all this respect for me and shit… whatever, he thinks I’m fabulous, but couldn’t be with me?

Why couldn’t he? Why didn’t he like me back the way that I liked him? I really thought he did… the things he said… the way he worried so much about me… the way he freaked-out if I was out of touch for a minute. I just don’t understand. Not at all. Where did it go wrong?

Blah. Guess he needs a girl not a woman.

Anyway, that communication went down on Friday. I got off work early. It was beautiful day in San Francisco, so I met some friends at a bar.

Perusing the patio, I came upon a dude I recognized from a business around the corner from my house. We’d flirted once ages ago. I didn’t even know his name. I was mildly attracted to him. He was in the bathroom line. I was buzzed, so I decided to get my ass in line behind him. Oh silly girl trick.

But then, the bathrooms opened up as soon as I got there, and I didn’t even see his face.

Oh well.

I bumped into some other dudes I knew. Chatted with people here and there.

Then I got up to go to the bathroom and low and behold who walks up right behind me??? That’s right Antonio (let’s call him – it’s not his real name, of course). We both said hello. Introduced ourselves.

After the bathroom, we walked up to the bar together and had some hard-core flirting. I mean, there was no question whether it was friendly conversation or flirting… it was on the verge of sleazy… everything I did or said was “sexy.”

Such as answering my age… he’d be “oooh, that’s sexy.” Or, mentioning my heritage, “oooh, that’s sexy.”

Luckily, his “oh sexy’s” were compensated by an expansive vocabulary and a sharp wit… and comments that were anything but humble, and I love arrogance – well, at first.

Then, he asked for my number a hundred times. We finally exchanged numbers. He said he’d call later that night (meaning 10ish – we started drinking early) so we could smoke and cuddle seeing as I made it clear there would be NO fooling around. NONE. Not interested I told him. He said fine... yeah sure.

Did I mention he lives on the next block from my house? Um, the perfect fling situation.

Well, he didn’t call. That was Friday night.

Sunday, I bumped into him at his place of business. For discretionary purposes, I’m not going to get into where he works, but even if I go there during his working hours, it’s likely I could never even see him.

He looked me up and down. Commented on my small feet… again… odd. Then he proceeded to ask me, “when are you going to call me? You have my number, right?”

He keeps asking me to call. Even Friday night, “you’ll call me right?!” call me - call me - call me.

I told him, “whatever… you call me.” Classic lame flirtatious behavior of who will call who first.

That night I left him a message since I didn’t work on Monday and because it would be our last chance for “cuddling” and smoking for the next 2 weeks (I have guests).

He called back a couple hours later. I was baked and didn’t pick up.

That’s where our story ends.

Nothing spectacular, but something very important – Every time I stop dating someone, I have this fatalistic outlook… like I’m never going to meet anyone ever again… and it’s the end of dating for me. How – where – when will I ever meet someone?!?!

Moral of the story – this isn’t about Antonio, he’s not my type. This story means that you never know where you’ll meet someone… things happen… the world works in mysterious ways (as that cliche goes)… I needed a pick-me-up, and the universe gave me a sort of reassurance of things. Seems like a silly thing, but I’d been bummin’ about boys, well amongst other things, and it was nice to have a quick distraction… and perhaps a promise of someone else… someone better in the future… or maybe that someone better will just be me. :-)

JUST IN:

As I mentioned above, I told Bam to please give me some space right now, and that I’ll give him a shout when my feelings subsided. He told me to take the time I need, and he’ll be ready to communicate when I am.

Soooo, who’d I just get an email from!?!?! BAM.

Just asking how I am… wondering about my job status… telling me what he did over the weekend… asking what I did.

What!?!?! I'm can't reply.

Silly Rant

2007-08-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

I needed Bam to tell me that we will always be "just friends." I needed him to tell me there was ZERO chance of ever getting back together.

He did.

He said, "the same things will happen again."

I really have to wonder. What same things? I mean, really, where did we go wrong? I feel like we each had our freak-outs as a result of feeling vulnerable and second guessing the other and then lashing out, but really, what were our problems?

I must cease all communication for a little while at least.

Where's my rebound dude?

I need one.

No - no. Too much trouble. I'll choose singledom, for now, hahaha. Being single is not a fate worse than death. It's a good thing. One's free... not waiting by the phone... normal appetite.

I have to remind myself - there will be someone else. There will be someone better.

I hope.

OTHER NEWS:

My job is fucked. My industry's gone bust, and I know I'm going to have to start looking for another job. I've been here for four and a half years. My bosses are surrogate parents. My co-workers are some of my best friends.

I've made ZERO money for years because the people here are worth the thousands of dollars I gave up in other job offers.

My music connection was a dead end road. His company now has him working from home... closed the office. iTunes has taken the world, and a job there is the impossible get. Any jobs in the music industry are impossible gets. Shit.

So what then? What am I going to do now? It seems I won't be leaving this job for something that defines me more. I'll be leaving not by choice.

What am I going to do? Be some random Executive Assistant in some random finance firm and make other peoples' travel arrangements and order lunch for the rest of my life?

I have a useless History degree from Berkeley. I don't want to teach. I don't want to go to Law School. There is no longer anything for which I'd like to go back to school. I wouldn't mind going back to school for some stupid shit, but I have so much goddamn debt that it's not even realistic.

MY RANT CONTINUES:

Of course when work and boys suck ass, I start thinking of all the other things in my life that I'm unhappy with... I have no friend with whom I'm attached at the hip. My ex-wife's in NYC... My sister chose NYC... My BFF moved to NYC... I haven't been in the mood to drink much, and that's what Tall K and I were doing all the time, so now our hangin' out is less.

I'm just having that stupid ridiculous Miss Curious sad and lonely time.

Again, there are so many crazy things that happen in the world that are far more important than these small woes. There are real problems in the world, and mine aren't even a drop in the drop in the bucket. I have to put things into perspective. I have to remind myself that I have so much.

Need the Strength to Stop!

2007-08-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

Continuous emails to and from Bam aren't helping the "moving on" process. I'm still hooked. I get all excited when he's in my Inbox. On Friday, I tried to lay off the emails, but he emailed, "you at work today? I'm feeling ignored."

Then, I emailed right away, and he of course, didn't email me back.

I did the, "and now where's my email back?"

Bam, "oh, forgot to reply."

Whatever!!! Oh right, feeling ignored one second and suddenly "forgetting" to reply?!?!

Game playing.

I knew on Friday when I minimized the number of emails that come this week, he'd slow down. Sure enough, he has. That little punk!!!

What are we doing?

The Single Life

2007-08-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

I keep having to remind myself that I’m single. Bam and I are not together.

I suppose it doesn’t help to email everyday, all day. Neither of us has changed our MySpace status. We both still have “In a Relationship.” Guess it should probably read “Still Not Over Him.”

These itty-bitty relationships all take a toll. Plus, I’m like Little Miss Intense. I’m your classic when I fall, I fall hard. And when it’s over, I fall even harder. Shitty. While I may be capable of feeling higher highs than most, the downside is, of course, feeling lower lows than most.

This weekend my parents rolled in for a night after a week of camping in Super North Northern California. When they leave, I feel a great absence. It’s like coming back from their house in SoCal where I end up feeling a little more lonely than usual.

Luckily, I had Saturday night plans that consisted of being around a lot of people, so I wouldn’t stay home feeling sorry for my stupid-ass for no good reason.

Saturday night was a friend’s birthday. Everyone was upbeat and pretty much ready to get wasted. (shout out to Toe-Up… hope you know who you are!!!) Anyway, as I was sitting at the bar, a guy actually asked me what my sign was. I mean really. He said, “when’s your birthday?”

Me, “July 7th.”

“Ahhh, you must be a Gemini or a Scorpio?”

“Um, no.”

Then he proceeds to guess every sign, but my sign.

“Cancer,” I finally tell him.

“Oh, that must mean you have a hard shell and are sensitive on the inside.”

Are you fucking kidding me? This is where I tug on LaSassy’s shirt to be rescued. Luckily, she got the hint and pulled me right over.

As I’m minding my own business, the bartender hands me a shot. I’m looking around to see who I’m supposed to be passing it to when he gives me a “know silly, it’s for you, let’s toast” look.

Surprised, I toast him. He walks away.

10 minutes later, he comes back with 2 more shots. One for me and one for my friend… and then, one for him. We toast again. He walks away.

10 minutes later, “hey, how many girls do you have with you?”

I guessed about 7.

He hands me 7 cloth visors with the bar’s name on it.

We all proceeded to put our visors on and took some rad pix.

I swear to jesus, oh my god, do I have something on my forehead that attracts bartenders (and waiters)?!?!?!? I was just so surprised by the bartender. He just seemed to be busily working and paying no attention to me. It was all out of the blue.

I wasn’t attracted to the guy, but he really was a sweetheart. I much appreciated his generosity.

It’s funny. Sometimes I’m so dense. I remember when Obsession (the manager of one of my favorite bars) approached me. It was a Sixteen Candles moment where I’d lusted after him for so long (as Molly Ringwald/Samantha had with Jake Ryan) and when he introduced himself to me and made some comment about me not having been there in a while, I pretty much did the look behind me right – look behind me left – mouth, in my head, “who me?”… I never get it.

Anyway, after a night of dudes looking down my top, I was missing Bam. I don’t hang out at heterosexual bars much anymore… is that where I’m supposed to meet dudes?

Bleh.

I quit.

Again.

Hahaha!

BTW - where the hell did Jake Ryan go after Mermaids?!!! Jesus, he was hunk-a-licious!!! I still wish he were up in his bedroom at that party, slamming his gf's hair in the door, and looking my number up in the yearbook.

2007-08-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hellooooo folks... sorry for not posting. I've been relatively uninspired as of late. Right now, I'm just layin' low and really enjoying it.

Bam Update:

The "friends" thing is still working out fairly well. We email regularly. Haven't spoken since Sunday, and it's all good. I am so much better OUT of a relationship. Ahhhhhhh, so relaxing. Hahaha. I do think about him often though... and miss him, but I'm feeling cool right now. We shall see.

Anyway - I'll post again on Monday.

Miss Me!

Just Friends... For Now

2007-08-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day in San Francisco.

In our attempt to remain "friends", Bam and I decided to go to Ocean Beach. I always feel like a little kid with him. In the sense that we goof off and act silly. It's one of my favorite things about him.

We of course splashed water at each other and kicked up wet sand... the usual flirtatious behavior a boy and girl would have.

After the beach, we drove to another spot and went on a mini-hike to get a better view of the Golden Gate bridge. We stood there like middle school kids shootin' the shit in the backyard of their parents' house... naturally picking up pine cones and throwing them. With him saying, "do you think I can hit that branch?"

He asked if I was glad he brought me there.

I said yes.

We then stared ahead in a peaceful silence.

We didn't discuss our relationship anymore than a general chat about how few people we know in good relationships. And then, we laughed about how shitty we both are at relationships. No rehashing of things - just making fun of ourselves for over-analyzing and having bumps over nothing.

He drove me home. We proceeded to have staring contests in his car until I told him to get out of the car and give me a proper hug good-bye.

It was a lingering hug.

We then shook hands, and he started a thumb war. My midget thumbs were no match for his man hands.

I told him I'd run upstairs and grab his sweatshirt. He told me not to because he knows he'll be seeing me again soon. I smiled.

We hugged again.

He picked his nose and wiped it on me.

I picked my nose, held it out, and told him to eat it. He did.

We hugged again. I almost kissed him. He pulled back. I'm glad he did.

He emailed me this morning telling me what a nice time he had. I felt the same way.

This is the start of a new friendship. And who knows where it may lead.

Missing Him

2007-08-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

I miss Bam.

My aunt's been visiting from Massachusetts (my roots), and I've been sleeping in my closet (don't ask).

Tuesday night, I finally got hit hard.

As I lied amongst my beat-up converse with my cheek pressed against my pillow, I stared into the dark abyss of Levis and Gap jeans just thinking. Thinking about what went wrong. When I closed my eyes, a little tear trickled out. Then another. I had to muffle the sounds that followed.

It was hard to sleep that night.

At midnight, Bam sent me a text. I'd left him this horrid voice-mail earlier. My aunt and roommate were in the room. If he'd picked up, I would have left the room. Then, one of the ladies started to laugh, and I started to laugh hysterically. My whole message was me laughing nervously. I mean, like can't breathe laughing with little bouts of noise. I then finished the message by saying, "Wow, this message was really unsuccesful."

I was horrified. The ladies could NOT stop laughing at how ridiculous the message was... like worst case scenario message.

His text said good-night and that he enjoyed hearing my laugh.

He still emails me every morning.

We haven't spoken on the phone for a week and a half.

I miss his voice.

Emails = bad

They keep us both hanging on.

He asked if he could see me this weekend, so he'll be coming over on Sunday. Bad idea, but I can't resist. I'll post all about it on Monday.

It's funny how I have had a reaction of "I need a rebound dude, and I need him now!" But of course, those always seem to turn sour fa-ast! So, here I'll vent my ridiculousness on this blog and leave my hurt and frustration with the dating world right here.

LEIGH the DFMER:

Yes, my posts like "Why's Being Alone Such a Bad Thing" do stem from things I'm experiencing in my life at that moment. But then, I just think a TON about everything all the time, so posts could actually spawn from everyone around me, things that are happening in the world, and human nature in general. Typically, they are personal experience.

I enjoy your comments. I think we consider a lot of the same things. Always analyzing ;-).

I Can Breathe Now

2007-08-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

I broke-up with Bam yesterday.

Oh the lovely world of Miss Curious’ completely unstable relationships. Ridiculous.

Last week he was out of town. I knew he was going to be crazy busy, so I told him not to worry about me and that he can just call me when he gets back in town. Mid-week he sent me a couple adorable emails, the last one I received on Thursday (I initiated email contact).

The Saturday he left we had a small bump – I may have mentioned it. Really though, these bumps are super small, but I have a feeling he just doesn’t like any imperfections. These bumps should just be conversations, and maybe he takes it as me knockin’ his character. Anyway, he has unrealistic expectations. His actions are much like my own in previous relationships. The classic “push her away” actions, that is. Well, guess after his “push her away” bit, I’ve now performed my very own “push him away.” Rad.

My last email to him on Thursday asked when he’d be back and that I’d love for him to call me, so I know he arrived home safely. I mean, I am (or was) his girlfriend. The airport arrival phone calls are kinda’ in the book of what to do in a relationship.

I had no reply email.

Friday, I left him a voicemail that was super sweet, as is my nature, hahaha. “Hey just wanted to see when you were coming back, and safe travels, my dear. I’ve missed your voice. Call me when you’re home.”

In the evening I get a distant text, “hopping on the plane now. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Hopping on the plane, so you can’t call and talk or whatever shit.

And no phone call the next day.

I even texted him, “welcome back!”

No response to that text either.

So, Sunday I was pretty pissed. Seriously, what the hell? What the hell happened from his “all I know is that I like you VERY MUCH… I feel very close to you and care about you very much” email on Wednesday? There was no even though I feel this way BUT. It was a we’re still doing this email.

I found myself tired of the guessing game. If he truly cared for me, he’d have at least called to say, “got home… don’t have time to chat, but wanted to say hi.” And, no problem.

The fact that he did nothing when he returned is very telling… telling me to dump his immature ass. Clearly, he wanted me to do the dirty work.

And what the fuck? How did we get here? When we’re together we get along so well… laugh and kiss and hug and talk about nothing incessantly. We typically email silly things all day, and he calls me on his ride home, and we’d talk about our days (even though we’d been doing so all day). Then, later in the evening more often than not, we’d have our good-night chats or at least a “goodnight babygurl… thinking of you” texts (p.s. I LOVE that he called me babygurl).

We couldn’t get over these stupid little things? It seems that both of us were battling our feelings. At least one of us needs to be normal, right?!?! I suppose we both need a lot of growing up in the relationship world. But then, why do some people get it right on the first try?

Anyway, I don’t know what happened.

How I remember Bam:

Lying on my pale yellow duvet cover wearing a white t-shirt and levis. His legs were crossed at his ankles, and one of his arms was behind his head exposing that pale soft side and arching his head just enough to give him the best view of me dancing around the room.

We again talked about how he saved all my emails. How he even has a mailbox specifically for my emails.

“Do you go back and read them?” I questioned (I’d asked this before, but I wanted to hear him say it again).

“Yes.”

“Why do you re-read them?” I probed.

In the most sincere voice I can ever recall hearing, “because I care about you.”

Jesus, I almost fucking cried it was so sweet. It took my breath away.

“You do?”

“I really do. I care a lot about you.”

I then of course hopped on the bed and smothered him with kisses.

That was a good moment. That made this sadness of loss worth it.

SILLINESS:

Okay, so I make fun of John Mayer ‘cuz I’m a bitch, but I do like this song… and I like these lyrics:

And I know it was me who called it over
but I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day
Don’t let me get away
Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me
So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be (Oh God yes!)
There’s no substitute for time
Or for the sadness

- Split Screen Sadness
John Mayer

...our bodies get bigger.
but - our hearts get torn up...

- Wake-up
The Arcade Fire

I have a live David Bowie / Arcade Fire version of this song, and when they sing that line, for some reason, it hurts my heart in a beautiful way. Beautiful in the way that I need to wake the fuck up and not let that to continue to happen to me... rather, not let myself tear my heart up.

Maybe there are things I can’t control, but what I can control is my reaction to those things.

Why's Being Alone Such A Bad Thing?

2007-08-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

Are relationships really that fun?

I look around at friends, co-workers, real adults... and I can count, on one hand, how many are seemingly good relationships.

There's the incessant arguing, jealousy issues, sexual issues, one obviously liking the other more and making ridiculous compromises because of it, and the general stifling relationships.

I'm not talkin' every once in a while fights... I'm talkin' uncomfortable to be around because all they do is argue, and all I do sit there wide-eyed with 'oh fuck' written all over my face.

Of course there must be redeeming qualities of these relationships for these people to be in them in the first place. OR, are people in these shitty-ass relationships because it's just a little bit better than being alone? And why the fuck is alone some horrendous situation in which to be? It's like a disease.

Obviously one can look at all the hunter-gatherer / propagation of the species explanations, which I suppose all make sense. You know, ultimately wanting our selfish-genes to span time. And then, that would bottle our entire existence into essentially being some virus of the earth that merely wants to proliferate.

Anyway, enough about that shit. So here we are now in whatever fucked up supposedly evolved state, and we can't stand being alone. We can't stand it.

As for me, why isn't kickin' it with my friends, going to shows, seeing flicks, listenin' to music, travelin' and so on enough? In fact, it's apparently hideous. Apparently, I can do all these uber exciting things, and yet still feel lonely... and at times, yes, incomplete.

Guess I can't win the battle of couplin' off to have me some babies.

Bam update:

I won't see him for another week and a half or so. Things are going well enough. I still have that insecurity in the back of my mind that rears its ugly head here and there. I think he and I have both communicated the fact that should things not work out as BF/GF we will remain friends. We have a very genuine respect for one another, and our feelings already run very deep.

He's a wonderful - wonderful man, and I hope I have him in my life for a very long time.

Who Likes Who More?

2007-08-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

I like him more than he likes me. I hate that. What does one do when they obviously have more feelings than the other? Isn’t it supposed to be relatively equal? I suppose these things fluctuate, but it’s weird to be so conscious of this fact.

Will one person always have stronger feelings?

If so, which would I rather be?

Do I want to feel loved more than I love, but always wonder if I could have loved someone else more? Or do I want the security of knowing he’s into me more?

Bam’s pretty hard to read. In fact, I was totally perturbed when he got so pissed at me for making him worry. I hadn’t understood how much he cared for my well-being. He always seems so blasé about me.

He calls regularly. Emails regularly. Apparently just bought me a gift that he’s giving me tomorrow, um, adorable! But then, I worry still if he’s just going to think I’m more trouble than I’m worth. And oh, this is how lame I'm acting - I actually notice that he wants to get off the phone before I do, um, everytime. Of course, I sit and think way too much about that.

Aye-aye-aye.

Is anyone good at this dating shit? If so, tips.

Advice to myself:

1. Relax
2. Go with the flow
3. Don’t feel insecure ‘cuz I’m like, um, amazing (hahaha!)
4. If he drops me, oh well, big deal. Don’t sit around waiting for it to happen

Precarious Position

2007-07-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

Friday night, Bam was racing around the city with his motorcycle friends. I told him he should drop by, so I could see him in his little space suit. 11 pm rolls around, and I assumed he wasn’t going to come. But then, I got a text, “I’m out front.”

My heart leapt.

I quickly threw on a sweatshirt and flip-flops and ran downstairs.

There he was, under the sallow glow of the street lamp with his motorcycle parked on the sidewalk. I walked right into his arms. There we were, two lovers embracing on the sidewalk. I was beaming. He was beaming.

We then sat on my front steps. He wrapped his arm around me. We talked about our nights. We said our goodbyes. As he sat on his motorcycle with his helmet on and visor up, he winked at me. For some reason, I lost my breath. It was such a handsome and sweet and romantic thing to do. Such a small thing, but my heart pitter-pattered.

I went back upstairs, smiling. I went to bed smiling.

The next night was date night. Before dinner he came up to my apartment for a little while. I had the brilliant idea of having staring contests. They lasted the whole night, and I pretty much dominated. We were like two little kids goofing off. I love that we act like kids around each other.

Later that evening, I found myself second guessing my actions. The more and more I like him, the more insecure I get. I keep thinking I’m going to say the wrong thing, and he’ll once again let me go.

It’s a tough position to be in… being dumped for whatever arbitrary reasons and then trying to open myself up again. Anytime I said something stupid or potentially stupid, the second he turned his head, I’d mouth, “shit – fuck… why’d I say that?!?! Miss Curious you’re such an idiot.”

Then I’d swallow and cringe.

Later in the evening, we met up with some of my friends, LaSassy and Chicajato and their boyfriends. They hadn’t met him before and were prepared to size him up.

Jokingly, I suggested each person tell him how great I am, so he’ll like me. I was kinda’ joking, but they did it anyway. Naturally, they decided to tell him how lame I am, and I got all wide-eyed and freaked out.

Chicajato came over to sit next to me. While Bam and LaSassy chatted, Chicajato and I had a side conversation. I thought I was going to cry. I realized then how insecure I was feeling. I worried that anything they might say could immediately turn him off. I told her I couldn’t take it. I told her that I didn’t know how I could get over that hump. I didn’t know how I could feel less insecure. I knew that these insecurities would present themselves in my interactions with him and would put me in an even more precarious position.

When we got back to my place, of course everything was fine and good.

Sunday night when we spoke, I gulped a hundred times. He wanted to get off the phone before I did, which foolishly made me feel all concerned… like it was so evident that I like him more than he likes me.

I just don’t quite know how to lift myself from this volatile position.

I suppose there’s a point where I simply have to be okay with losing him. I have to remind myself that I’m Miss Curious, who doesn’t love Miss Curious? Hahaha. This is who I am. I’m not perfect. I try to be the best person I can be. Understanding, kind, and loving. What more can I do?

If he should find that I’m not the one for him, then so be it. I can’t sit around waiting for him to drop me. I can’t be in this relationship always worried.

And so, I have to give myself up to the universe. And so, I must be myself. And so, he can chose to take me or leave me, but that’s going to be his issue. And so, I will be strong.

Happy and Hopeful

2007-07-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night was the first night I’d seen Bam since he dumped my ass via-text and email and then got my ass back via-cell, text, and email.

Going into the evening I found myself extremely apprehensive. Our relationship went from a 5 paragraph email about how we’re not compatible, and it’s over and a 2 and a half hour conversation about how we’re not compatible and it’s still over to a slew of 7 text messages about how I “have his heart,” and to give him another try.

Who wouldn’t be apprehensive?

Although I was worried as fuck, I was still eager to see him. So eager, that I even ran downstairs to greet him instead of waiting for him to ring my doorbell. In the lobby our lips met. Butterflies ensued. Our attempts at pulling away proved futile, and we stood down there embracing and kissing for some ridiculous amount of time. Luckily, no one was around.

Needless to say, the attraction was still electric.

And then our night was like every night we’ve hung out. Perfect.

We got our Whole Foods dinner, sat at my kitchen table, and as I blabbed on and on, he reached under the table, pulled my leg onto his lap, slid his hand up my jeans, and lightly massaged my legs.

It was just comfortable. Sometimes I’d find myself staring at him instead of listening to what he was saying. Staring and thinking about how much I like him.

He’s been ever so apologetic about having dumped me. He says he will make it up to me. He says that he hates himself for having hurt me.

I understand that I haven’t painted him in the best light on this blog, but this blog has been an outlet for me to rant about my woes. We often talk more about our complaints versus the things we love.

So Here’s What I Like About Bam:

- He’s intelligent as fuck.
- Quick witted
- Sarcastic
- Has gorgeous forearms
- Genuinely cares for others (I mean, like, HUGE heart)
- Notices the small things
- Compliments me often
- Has a great relationship with his parents, takes good care of them
- Is amazing with little kids
- Has a lot of very good friends that all love him
- Is open to any social situation
- Surfs and Skates
- We have the same stupid sense of humor
- Is un-PC
- He’s a complete character, just silly
- Soft sweet kisser
- He’s attentive
- Has a strong work ethic

AND, is falling in love with me…

Check Your Email

2007-07-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

Not only has technology brought us the iPod and the toaster oven that simultaneously cooks eggs sunny-side-up, it has also brought us new ways of breaking up with each other.

Picking up where we left off, Bam was pissed that I’d made him worry last Wednesday and then cancelled our Thursday plans… and made no mention of canceling our Saturday plans. I called him that Friday morning with every intention of breaking-up with him over the phone because I couldn’t take his constant judgments.

No calls Thursday. No calls Friday. Saturday, the day we were supposed to hang out (but of course was now questionable since I’d left him that vague message about needing to “talk”). Saturday at 5 pm, I get a text, “Sorry for not calling. If you would, please check your email. Again, I’m Sorry.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? YOU’RE GOING TO TEXT THAT BULLSHIT?!?! AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO FUCKING EMAIL, SO I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND FUCKING STEW UNTIL I CAN READ IT!?!??!

I texted back, “That’s so weak. You just dumped me via-email because you were too chicken to call me? Is that it?”

No response.

Finally, I got myself to a computer. There waiting in my Inbox titled “I’m Sorry” was the break-up email from Bam.

He went on to tell me everything I already knew. But reading between the lines, he was breaking up with me because he liked me too much. Based on his reactions to certain things, I was gathering that he didn’t like any loss of control. He didn’t like the fact that I could affect his emotions so much. He couldn’t stand it as I’d later come to find out.

Needless to say, I was pissed beyond belief. I sat on that black milk-crate of mine staring out my San Francisco bay windows and watching the fog roll in… I propped my lap-top on my bare thighs and began typing my reply.

I then hit DELETE. I decided that I wasn't going to give him that reply. I just texted him back, “got the email… weird how things work out… wish we could go back to the first night we kissed.”

End of story. He never texted back. No word on Sunday.

Needing to explode, I call my psychiatrist of a dad and an honorary psychiatrist of a mom. One gets on the phone upstairs, the other on the phone downstairs.

I relayed the story. I told them how everyone says, “it’s not supposed to be that difficult in the first month.”

And then came the parental advice:

Dr. Curious – “Miss Curious, he’s doing exactly what you’ve done in almost all of your relationships. You get too close, can’t stand any loss of control, and then start to pick apart their personalities and look for all the reasons why it won’t work. Then, you just can’t let go of those things. Don’t you recognize his behavior?

Also, I am in complete disagreement with whomever it was that told you the first month is supposed to be pure honeymoon. (Do Note: my dad’s like Mr. Science / Logic, who listens to people talk about this shit everyday – Meaning: his opinion is a wise one) In the first month, the emotions are highly volatile. While you have the ability to experience those high highs, you can also experience the low lows as well. Some people are better at masking any neurotic, low, or general crazy feelings they have in this stage. Some people in general experience life on a different level anyway. Some people may not ever be capable of experiencing the highs that you can feel and perhaps Bam as well. People react very differently to these emotions. Often, people can push them away. It seems that Bam is one of those people. I would also like to remind you that you have been that person for a very long time.”

Yada-Yada-Yada. Dr. Curious' Gist – give the boy a break.

Curious Mom’s Question – “is he worth fighting for? Aside from these silly emotional freak-outs, does he have things that you haven’t found in a very long time?”

Yes Mom.

Yes Dad.

Monday morning, I email him. I told him that I brought his sweatshirt, and that I’d give it to his best friend. You know, the classic exchange of each other’s shit… and all the dramatics involved.

With that email, I included a picture of the 2 stuffed animals he gave me for my birthday. The subject to the email, “They may look chipper… but they’re pissed you’re not coming back.”

A slew of emails ensued. Ending with Bam saying, “I’ll call you as soon as I get off of work.”

2 and a half hours of conversation. He allowed me to lay into him about the text and email break-up… about how unfairly he treated me… how amazing I am… how he’s made a mistake.

He explained that he’s pretty much crazy and likes me too much and doesn’t know what to do with those emotions. He also explained that he is not mature when it comes to relationships. It’s something he really hopes to work on, and he’s very sorry he’s not there yet.

I made a bunch of moans and grunts (really). He wanted to see me in person, so we decided to get together tomorrow night. I gave him an assignment to think of all the things he likes about me… things that really define me and not little events like making him worry.

A couple of hours later, the texts roll in. He had actually been working on his assignment.

And then, the about-face.

“Miss Curious… you have me. I want to do this, but I need you to be patient with me.”

What to do - What to do?????????

Well, after much consideration... I am once again, Miss Curious, girlfriend of Bam.

I like the challenge. I like that we’ve both said we’re here to stay. That we’re committed to this. That we haven’t found certain qualities in any one person… ever… and that’s worth fighting for… I also told him that I fully understood what he’s doing… how he’s lashing out because I’ve done exactly that before.

We’re both pretty intense people… and maybe we like this kinda’ shit… the ups and the downs.

We want to grow together. Let’s all cross our fingers, but right now, I feel more secure in this than I ever have before.

2007-07-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't have enough time today to post because I actually have a story... like a really good fucked-up story about me and Bam.

One of those, "you can't be serious," stories.

Tomorrow - tomorrow.

I liked the comments that you've all written. I will address those in my post tomorrow.

- (oops, almost wrote my real name - Miss Curious)

Faster Than A Celebrity Couple

2007-07-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

I kept blaming myself. I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I thought that I’m just so bad at relationships. I kept asking myself, “what’s wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me!?” And in the first fucking month?!?!

But then, I thought and I thought, and realized, that YES, I am good enough. In fact, he’s not good enough for me. That all these little hiccups we’ve had have been a result of his issues.

First, he got weird about my sexual past. We resolved that, fine. Secondly, he thought I hung up on him one night, NOT the case, and he then sent me this caustic email the next morning. He had clearly stayed up wondering why I may have done that and then let me know what his conclusions were. He apologized. We resolved that one too, fine.

And then, Wednesday night, I was pretty tore-up from smoking and drinking at the Pumpkins show. I lost my wallet. Kinda’ panicked. Texted him that I needed help. He freaked out and called me. I then found my wallet, and told him I was okay. That happened in the span of 15 minutes.

He then got pissed at me for having made him worry. His emails Thursday were very cold, and I believe he mentioned the fact that I worried him several times. My guess is that he thought/thinks I’m too much for him. He cancelled our plans for that night. He hasn’t called me since. Okay, that was yesterday. But it was the first day I didn’t hear his voice from a voicemail or chat since the day we met.

Last night, I tossed and turned. That’s when I finally realized that this wasn’t my shit. This was his shit. If he can’t handle Miss Curious, then fuck him. I like the way I lead my life. Sure I could drink and smoke less, and eventually I will. I mean, he smokes and drinks ALL the time.

Anyway, this is when I decided I was going to end things. I’m gathering that this last “incident” put him over the edge too. Whatever – making mountains outta’ molehills. I’m tired of having to constantly defend myself over bullshit.

He’s out of town today and until tomorrow afternoon. I wanted to catch him before he took-off. I left him a message to this effect: “Hey Bam, I wanted to touch base before you left. I’m realizing that we’re probably now on the same page, and I thought we should have a conversation. Call me when you get this.” This will be an end where I could actually say, "It's you not me!"

I don’t know.

We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow, and it’d be WEAK-ASS-SHIT if he just didn’t call me back. Let’s get this done and over with.

Dolly (The Truth About Cocks and Dolls) asked if part of me wished that he’d fight me on this.

All of me wishes it.

Isn't There Dating School Or Something?

2007-07-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Okay... just deleted the post I had here before because I realize that it makes me look uber-crazy.

Gist - things already aren't going so well in the boyfriend department (YES, ALREADY!!!). He lives almost an hour away and seeing one another may be becoming a chore for him since I have NO car.

This is hard. I'm kinda' feelin' the brush-off.

Surrender and Release

2007-07-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

So wait, what, I still have some things to learn about myself? Whatever. Okay, kidding – kidding.

My new boyfriend has actually been calling me out on my neurotic behavior. He’s also made me think a thing or two about myself that I hadn’t really recognized before. While I’m certainly not perfect, I have Miss Curious pretty well mapped out or so I thought. I know why I do most of the things that I do, whether or not I can stop all of it or most of it is another story. But anyway.

So this guy, my boyfriend, makes me want to be a better person.

Maybe this relationship will continue – maybe it won’t, but I want to try my hardest here. He’s very deserving of my heart.

If it ends, it will be a very sad blog day. And I have to stop thinking so negatively.

I see him again tomorrow, and I can’t wait.

Ahhh, I’m nervous. So very nervous. And I’m such a cliché… the “I have a hard time letting go” cliché. My roommie / BFF have Angel Cards that we draw everyday. Before you draw, you're supposed to think of something that the Angel Card may help you put things in perspective. Today, I got "Surrender and Release." It was very appropriate. Cheesey - Silly - a million foolish things about me for even somewhat taking this seriously, but it helped. It confirmed that I must be happy with this... be open with this. And not a fucking over-analytical idiot! Hard on myself? To say the least.

Go with the flow Miss Curious!

Miss Curious Is Smiling

2007-07-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

My stomach was in knots. I knew he was going to say those ill-fated words, and I couldn’t light my pipe fast enough. Maybe I was scared to lose him or maybe just scared that I was going to have another failed attempt at a relationship. I suppose it’s both. I can’t stand getting my hopes up, and in a mere few weeks, watching it crash for whatever reason. It hurts every single time. It hurts even when I’m the one ending it.

I sat on my black milk crate with my window wide open, so I could blow the smoke into the foggy night air.

After two and a half hours of “understanding where the other person was coming from”, I realized that it wasn’t about me being a sexually open woman… it was more of a “how about not talking about our sex life with others” and perhaps a “he’s a little jealous” about any recent dudes I may have hung out with, especially when they’re calling me 5 times in a night while he and I are trying to sleep (ahem, Flava Flav).

It was an “adult” conversation. We communicated very-very well. But, having a little hiccup early on is always a bit frightening. It reminded me of the volatility in the dating world. That at this point, either of us can easily walk-away without much emotional involvement. And maybe he would… maybe he wasn’t invested.

-----------------------------------------------

The above was written last Monday morning. Our next date was on Wednesday. I wondered how things would go. Because I'd been out of town, I hadn’t seen him in a week and a half. And then, of course, I thought he was ready to kick me to the curb… or I was about to easily throw in the towel when he made me feel uncomfortable about my sexuality, so it was going to be a very revealing date.

I watched the clock all Wednesday afternoon.

He knocked on my door. He had two bags with him. My birthday presents. Each gift was completely thoughtful. He apparently remembered everything I’d said. Any worries I had going into the evening swiftly dissipated.

We had a wonderful night. We sat on my carpet, Indian-style, facing one another with our knees touching, and our hands on each other’s forearms. We laughed, a lot. We laugh a lot in general. Like, a lot. Like, we’re in a constant state of giggle. We’re like two little kids together. This relationship has the pureness and excitement of middle school and high school, but then, we work things out like adults.

After several hours of goofing off, in the sweetest way ever, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes.

2007-07-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

I’m not pretty enough to have a flawed personality. I have to be charming and witty and interesting and normal, at least during that initial dating stage. This is fact. Those who may argue this clearly have ZERO empirical knowledge.

Everyday I was in So Cal, Bam and I texted and/or chatted on the phone. Yesterday we oddly had an early morning conversation that lasted about an hour. The conversation turned completely sour… I asked that stupid girl question of, “have you hooked-up with any chicks in the last week while I was away?”

He said no. And then asked if I’d hooked-up with anyone in the past three weeks (since we met).

I, being the retarded chick that I am decided to volunteer completely unnecessary information, said, “I haven’t hooked-up with anyone in like 7 or 8 weeks.”

Apparently that was pretty recent to him. He started asking questions, “was it your ex- The Brother? Or that guy (Flava Flav) who called you 5 times that night I was over?”

My memory was a bit hazy… he started asking more questions about Flava Flav, like how we met… I let him know that it was primarily a physical relationship and that I had no interest in him. He continued to probe, and I foolishly discussed having had ex-sex with DV, and how I’ll never do that again.

His tone changed, “I didn’t think you would do something like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like have some casual encounter.”

“Well, there was involvement with both parties. I didn’t just meet them one night and fuck them.”

I suddenly found myself scrambling to explain… suddenly wishing I hadn’t done the things that I’ve done. Maybe I wasn’t expressing myself correctly.

Then I realized, “perhaps I’ve given you the wrong impression of who I am.”

Frazzled, I couldn’t quite collect my thoughts. I questioned myself when I shouldn’t have. We ended the conversation, and I was left feeling shitty.

But then, those are the things that I’ve done. I am a strong woman, who is very comfortable with her sexuality. Like I always say, I’m proud of how I live my life. I’m always trying to be a better person. I try to treat people with respect. I try to be honest and caring and loving and conscientious. I don’t and didn’t need to apologize.

I’m queen over-analytical… this means, when I make decisions, I consider all factors involved… my feelings – their feelings – potential outcomes – etc. My decisions are often very deliberate. Perhaps I haven’t liked the eventual outcome, but that was the chance I took.

I will always be a very open and sexual woman. If he wants someone who is demure, then I’m certainly not the person for him

And so, I felt like here I had a flaw to him… and why didn’t I have room for this flaw. I look at my older sister who treats men poorly (at times - to be fair) and yet, they forgive everything… she can do no wrong. And I can’t get away with shit… well, that’s sort of a lie. I guess these thoughts go with the whole female thought of, “he doesn’t like me because I’m not skinny enough” or pretty enough or artsy enough or preppy enough… whatever not enough of that usually involves appearance.

Anyway, right now, I feel clouded by my emotions.

At the end of the day, however, I will stand my ground… This is who I am. If he has a problem with it, then it’s his problem.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE - HERE'S ME UBER HUNG-OVER, STILL IN MY PAJAMAS THE NIGHT AFTER MY 29TH:

HAPPY B-DAY TO ME!

2007-07-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to SoCal to kick it with the folks for the rest of the week, so I'm crazy busy today... this means I can't write much.

Gist - I'm sooooooooooo into Bam right now. We had an awesome dinner date Saturday and an awesome night last night. We just laugh A LOT.

He has tons o' potential. I mean, I fucking really like this guy. Weird.

It's a big wait and see... Anyway - good-bye until Monday the 9th!!!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! 7-7-07 I'LL BE 29!!!

Why Would It Work This Time?

2007-06-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

I find myself so very uncertain about Bam.

I haven't seen him since last Saturday (early Sunday morning) and won't see him until tomorrow... and then, I leave for almost a week, so that means we'll only have hung out once in 2 weeks... it's keeping things at a distance.

I had all this momentum... and now it's kinda' turned into whatever.

Of course I have my moments (usually while drunk) that I desperately miss him... and last night, Chicajato caught me re-reading his adorable little text that said he was thinking about me.... I re-read it a psycho-number of times to the point of Chicajato saying, "Oh God!" and rolling her eyes.

I'm very interested to see how things go tomorrow. I just can't figure this one out for some reason. It can easily go either way at this point.

I guess it boils down the fact that I have no faith... that I just think something bad will happen... that this will end... it probably has something to do with the fact that this time last year, I had the same thing going on... and all seemed wonderful - and one day he just dropped me.

Or the birthday (this time again) the year before... I just started dating The Brother, and it had so much potential... I thought that was it... I was off the market... but then that time, it was my feelings that faded... it was me who lost interest one morning.

These "things"/"flings" end. How can one have faith when history proves broken hearts for me or for him?

That's it... I just don't trust this.

Neurotic Psycho Bitch Who Just Shouldn't Date

2007-06-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

Why go with the flow when you can analyze everything to death and make yourself sick?

Oddly enough, up until last night, I’d been going with the flow well enough when it came to Bam.

Friday night we had our official second date. Throughout the day we had sexually charged emails, and I couldn’t see any reason why we couldn’t fuck that night. Okay, I’m sure others can come up with a bunch of reasons, but he was makin’ me all HOT and shit.

He apparently had the same notion because when I asked, “do you have something?” he whipped-out a Costco-sized box of Trojans.

And holy-shit… I almost feel badly divulging this information because with him I’ve started feeling like I should keep some things private… but I just can’t NOT say this… we fucked 6 times this weekend and I blew him once making that a grand total of 7 blown loads. It was 5 times Friday and Saturday morning… Friday night also included the blow-job, making Bam a 6 time champ for that short period of time!!! Wow!!!

On Saturday he left for a barbeque that I decided against going to… before he left I was kinda’ feelin’ Miss Curious’ “ahhh, this is too much too soon,” but then an hour later, I found myself missing him.

Later that evening, I decided I would meet up w/ him and his friends after all. I hung out with the girls, and he hung out with the guys.

While I was immersed in conversation with the ladies, not even thinking about him, I got a text from him, “you look hot… wanna go home together?”

How adorable. I love that he was still aware of my presence… watching me from afar.

Later that night we headed to one of his married couple friends’ house… I again kicked it w/ the chick… he was in the other room… another text, “that Miss Curious is really cool…”

How cute.

That was a pretty fucking amazing night.

Then we were supposed to hang out last night, but my little sister was coming. He lives 40 minutes away, so having her here meant he’d have to drive home that night too… I then gave him the out --- that I’d understand if he didn’t want to do all that driving.

He wasn’t supposed to take me up on it though! Hahaha! He did say he’d call. But he didn’t.

I didn’t understand why his ass wouldn’t call me because up until the end of the day, he still had plans with me. That meant, he was going to have no other plans other than laundry, chores, and talking to me. Hahaha.

I was totally bummin’ and realizing that I was suddenly in freak out mode… remembering that these things can end at any moment… that one person can wake up one day and just say, “I’m not that into this.”

I know this because this is exactly how I am.

I panicked. I like him. I don’t want him to wake up and not want me anymore. That’d royally suck my fat-ass.

This morning, however, I did get this super cute and long email from him apologizing that he’d crashed early… blah blah blah. And that he missed me… that he’d call me today. We’ll see.

Later in the afternoon, I got another email just saying he was thinking of me.

Again, totally cute… but for some reason, I’m still in freak-out mode.

Such volatility in dating someone. Now I’ve developed feelings, and I can’t stand it. I’m so mother-fucking-bad at this shit.

Also, I’m celebrating my birthday with a couple friends on Friday… I invited him to come… he has other plans… whatever!!! Hahaha! And then, I was all bummed about that.

I really can’t stand myself right now.

2007-06-26T16:27:00.001-07:00

I'll post tomorrow... I promise!!! I have updates!

Give It To Me Good... This Time

2007-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

Since meeting Bam last Sunday, we’ve spoken on the phone every night and of course, Wednesday, we had our first date. Here’s how it went:

Unfortunately, I was exhausted and suggested we just get take-out and chill at my house. I’m always nervous seeing a dude for the first time since our initial meeting. I always kinda’ forget how he looks.

He gets there, and I can’t stop talking because I found myself totally nervous. Then I kept apologizing, “I’m so sorry… I talk a ton when I’m nervous… oops!”

He would just chuckle. I love his laugh.

After getting food, we sat on my floor and just talked about things people talk about when they’re getting to know each other. You know -- family, friends, work, religion, favorite sexual positions… the usual.

Then there’s the classic line “one thing leads to another,” and we’re on my bed intertwining our limbs… and tongues.

I honestly canNOT remember having enjoyed kissing someone as much as I enjoy kissing him. Oh my god. We have both admitted to being addicted to the other person’s lips, and I really mean it.

Since it was “that time of the month,” I kept the pants on the entire time… but I was curious about his “stuff,” so I made sure it came out for a quick look and unfortunate to him, an even quicker stroke.

HOT FUCKING COCK!!!

He spent the night… nothing more happened other than some heavy petting… no cumming.

We did, however, get all fucking cheesey and stare into each others’ eyes.

In the middle of the night, I felt him kissing my shoulder… he thought I was asleep… I didn’t move… I just smiled to myself.

We have another date tonight. I’m trying to skadaddle, so I can have my pussy all tore’up by my favorite Asian San Franciscans and their HOT VATS OF WAX --- oh yes, given’ it to me good like the BRAZILIANS DO IT!!!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see him tonight!!!

I have to remember though… this could be over tomorrow or next week or next month… I mean, c’mon, history tells me it will.

I’m just being hopeful. We’ll see.

BAM

2007-06-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving work early today, so I'm too busy to write details at this time... I will write more later... I promise.

Gist - 1st date was very successful... 2nd date is tomorrow night!

Date Night

2007-06-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight's date night. I'm looking forward to it. I hope we're still attracted to one another... I mean, I did wake-up with this gargatuan zit in the middle of my forehead, which is obvious enough that someone may ask if it's an Indian Bindi. Fuck.

Then there's the fact that I haven't been sleeping for reasons I can't understand... I've tried to make sense of those crazy nightmares of which I've awoken in middle... but what does having people in a Salvation Army truck rob my parents' house and stealing all my clothes mean?

Those thieves who really pissed me off when they stole my polk-a-dot polyester skirt, interrupted my sleep so much that I have hideous bags under my RED eyes.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling super hot right now... not like one would want to feel on first date where we already obsessively think about our outfits and hairstyles and making sure all the right spots are shaved. Not to mention the fact that my body has that exhausted feeling all over... wow - I sound like a big fucking grump.

Anyway, I'm still super excited. We've spoken for the past 2 nights, and I've grown to like him more and more. I can't get too ahead of myself if that's possible??!?!

Here are just a couple things Bam's said in his emails:

I had a good time and I hope you’ll take me up on an invitation to dinner / drinks or something involving us seeing each other again soon.

I can't wait to kiss you. You're like a drug to this dude.

I am having my day-dreaming thoughts of you.

He's certainly said many more sweet and sentimental things like this... but this is the gist.

AND OH:

And oh, how cute was he in our conversation last night... he told me exactly what he was thining when he first saw me... the exact point he knew he wanted to kiss me... how it felt to kiss me the first time... I mean, sheesh... who says such cute things.

And another oh, Miss Curious, being curious asked about his cock size already... and let me just say WOW. Perfect. More than perfect. Whew, I'm HOT just thinking about it. Oye. Luckily it's "that time of the month" still, so it'll force us to go slowly.

Jesus, I'm So Fucking Bad At Dating

2007-06-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

Bam actually called last night. Not only did he call last night, he also emailed me a couple of times yesterday... and then again, this morning.

After a couple of emails yesterday, I had my classic Miss Curious "icks" for a second. Sometimes when dudes come on a bit too strong, I tend to, um, freak out a tad. The "icks" swiftly dissipated when he called that evening. I felt completely at ease speaking with him.

I love that he answers all of my questions. My blog name actually reflects my personality pretty fucking well. I ask A LOT of questions... because I'm, well, CURIOUS. This rockstar once asked me why I asked so many questions, I panicked and said, "oh oops, it's just that I studied it in college... yeah, journalism." OH MY GOD, WHAT A BLATANT LIE... I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

Anyway, super personal things are accidentally asked as well, oops, and Bam didn't even skip a beat... he answered everything with great ease.

We've set up a date for tomorrow night. I told him I'd like to forgo dinner because that's more of a 2nd date for me. I just want to hop in the sack and fuck all night on the first date. Okay, not always, hahaha. But, I always feel awkward on dinner dates... like everyone in the restaurant can sense how totally awkward I am.

That's just weird of me to even think. Whatever.

I hate the trying-to-figure-out-what-we're-going-to-do part of going on first dates... and second dates... well, dates in the beginning. We'll probably go to a bar, but then what bar? Jesus. I'm kinda' psycho-overanalytical-chick. Sheesh!

Any San Franciscans have good first date bars? I'd like to take him to Cheers... wouldn't that be a "fuck you" to Obsession... hahaha... so, bad idea.

Being Irresponsible With My Emotions

2007-06-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

I’m like a giddy little fucking teenager. It’s ridiculous. I didn’t say anything last week because I kinda’ didn’t think it’d happen and was completely loving mellow. A co-worker of mine who’s relatively new told me that he had the perfect guy for me. Whatever, right?

He mentioned that this guy would be at his show yesterday… I kinda’ was copping out and told him that I didn’t really feel like a set-up, but thanks anyway.

He’d forwarded me the guy’s profile and sent him mine, so when I got to the show I recognized him right away. I naturally acted all coy (ok, not naturally)… there was no way I was going to approach him because I just didn’t care.

Anyway, he came right up to me. Not a shy guy. And then, bam (who says bam?!) we hung out for the rest of the night. Let's call him Bam. Anyway, the immediate comfort level was insanely good.

I was there with some friends as was he, and everyone just totally got along… we all had this amazing time where we laughed so hard our stomach muscles hurt. He then drove me home. We sat in his car in front of my apartment and proceeded to kiss for an extensive period of time.

The first kiss was amazing. You know when you just kiss the same way? That’s how it was. Ahhh.

Bam took my number, and as I hopped out of the car, I said, “don’t take too long to call.”

He smiled, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Yeay! Shit though, I hope he calls.

20 minutes later I got a text from him telling me what a great night he had and how he’s looking forward to the next time he gets to see me. How fucking adorable! Sheesh!

I’d be super bummed if he didn’t call. Maybe he won’t call tonight, but I hope he eventually does. Eeks! I’m fucking squealing over here… I almost can’t stand myself. How totally irresponsible of me to get so excited about someone!!!

At least I’ll have this blog to wallow in my own self-pity should he not call.

And even if he does call, and a month later it’s over already, that’s cool because I like how I feel right now… and remind me that I said it was worth it!!!

Guys Marrying Themselves Off Already:

Oh oh oh – so, we started talking about the dude who set us up… Bam mentioned that the dude would be his best man at his wedding… I chuckled to myself because like the previous post I’d recently been wondering if guys thought about that kind of thing too.

I mean, what girl doesn’t already have half her wedding planned? Seriously, right? Even stubborn, trying-to-be-all-unconventional me has some ideas.

Anyway, my ears just perked at the fact that he was already thinking “best man.” Weird! (please note: not in regards to us)

Every Chick Does This...

2007-06-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

If guys knew what went on in a woman’s head, we’d all be single for the rest of our lives. Spawned from a pre-movie music video of Natasha Bedingfield, me and the ladies have all been admitting what goes on in our crazy little heads when we start or are dating someone… basically, we have ourselves married off to the guy before the first date.

A friend recently admitted that she even envisioned her and “whatever guy” on cruises together (cruises?). I had to admit that I’ve had weekend getaways with my bartender crushes… honeymoons (to Bali) with guys I’ve been on one date with… children with a guy I’ve had one intense conversation with at a bar… dinners with his family and my family… and all in the very beginning stages of dating someone or again, maybe we haven’t dated, but I’m psycho-fantasy girl… and oh, I often picture me and some dude turning down our bed… talking about our days… and I’d wonder how his voice would sound after “knowing” each other for years and years.

And we ALL do it… ALL ChickKind envisions this crazy shit… that’s why we all related to Bridget Jones when she hooked up with Daniel Cleaver, like once, and already visualized the wedding – even the fucking toast.

I wonder if guys do this? Now that's a good question.

Anyway, here are some of those lyrics:

I Wanna Have Your Babies
- Natasha B.

Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was goin' on in my brain
Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the church, all the schools, all the names
If you knew it was all about you, every wish
Every candle, every coin in a fountain
Trust me it would scare you...

Gonna button my lip
So the truth don’t slip
Gotta beep out
What I really wanna shout
Woops Did I say it out loud
Did you find outI wanna have your babies
Get serious like crazy

MONDAY NIGHT DICE / iBARTENDER:

Guess who’s working back at the Monday Night Dice Bar?!?!?!? That’s right. iBartender. It was the first thing Tall K told me this morning… with a little smirk on his face… and just now a little quip, “I bet you’re excited.” Whatever!!! I have NO intention of falling back into that dead-end-of-a-stupid-unreciprocated-crush. But, interesting news nonetheless.

This Time Last Year

2007-06-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I'm starting to get bored again... it seems to be right around this time of year that the dust settles from one thing or another, and I'm looking to get myself into trouble. Instead of doing something new, I decided to reminisce on last year's trouble... I went through those dusty ole' archives of mine to remind myself of what a complete ass I've been known to be. Anyone remember when I did the below?!?!?!

June 2006

What oh What Did Miss Curious Do This Time?!?!

Do not give a bored and stoned Miss Curious a computer. After listening to KriKri and GreenEyes' advice to give MySpace a try, I gave it look... to much discontent, I was greeted by shirtless photos, plucked eyebrows, and gelled hair -- then i double-checked to make sure it wasn't men for men... to more discontent, it wasn't. What to do - what to do?!?! Get stoned of course. What not to do - What not to do?!?! Post on Craigslist of course. Here's what an idiot I am: Tomorrow I'll post excerpts from the gazillion replies I received... I seem to be the 1st stoned individual to post on this shit: I still can't believe I did this... oh wait, yes I can.

stoned and could do this or watch donnie darko and old school - 27

i'm completely stoned right now and am stealing free wireless from my neighbor, so i decided to peruse craigs and i stumble upon these fabulously random - insane categories... do relationships or "come play with daddy m4w" things actually work?

right now my body is lightly (maybe medium lightly) shaking from how funny i think i am, but deep down know that i'm really not being funny and wonder if i have some ulterior motive for posting on women seeking men...

but anyway, here i am on this june afternoon with all the windows in my house open, and i'm eating an apple and i'm hoping that this high would last forever... this is what i like doing sometimes (sometimes being the operative word)... perhaps you too? so i'm trying to decide if i want to watch donnie darko and get into that mood or watch old school and laugh uncontrollably (sp?)... but then, there's always music.... maybe i should just drown myself with music... hmm... wish there was some amazing live show on tonight... but since i can't move, i think the ipod will suffice.

okay okay... maybe i've missed the point of this whole thing... ultimately, i have a million people around me all the time, they're laughing - i'm laughing, and sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like the loneliest girl in the world... but then i also love to engage myself with amazing people and truly laugh and smile... and get lost at concerts and parks... the 'highs' - the lows...

so it'd just be nice to have someone for those lonely moments and beautiful moments. yeah, sometimes i'd think it'd be nice when i'm not too stubborn or proud to admit it. hmm.

does anyone have some cheezits?
those sound really good right now.

So Much Is Just Luck

2007-06-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a hard thing to admit to myself, but I'm finally saying outloud that I need a new job. Right now I absolutely love my co-workers, and I respect my bosses. Loving the people with whom one works, is so hard to find. I've been afraid of leaving that behind and taking the chance that I just may detest any new co-workers.

You see, my current job has never defined me. I took this job because the things that I thought would define me and I'd be passionate about, turned out to totally suck ass.

From those jobs, I realized that it was more important to find people with whom I enjoyed spending the majority of my waking hours than to have a job in a field that I was excited about, but disliked the people.

Now I'm asking myself - can I find a job that's both? A job that I am passionate about and also enjoy the people and how I spend my waking hours?

Of course the field I'm most excited about is overpopulated - in high demand - super competitive... I pretty much have only one connection... a person I'll see in a couple of weeks... and the rest is luck. Luck.

A little determination. A connection. And an uber-shitload of luck.

And oh, I decided for sure against grad school in psychology... conflict of interest was too great.

The Anatomy of a Friend

2007-06-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

My little sister just graduated from college and is trying to figure out where she’s going to live. We discussed where most of her friends were moving and what friends in what cities would offer her the most support.

This conversation consisted of dissecting friends.

TYPES:

The All About Me – these friends always talk about themselves. They never ask you how you are. In fact, if you volunteer information about your life, you see their eyes glaze over, and you immediately turn the conversation back into something about them. I’ve genuinely had the thought in my head, often, “wow, this person isn’t listening… fuck it… I’ll turn it back to them.” If you weren’t facing them, you’d be rolling your eyes at times. The positives – they’re entertaining, sometimes you don’t want to talk about yourself, and you really have nothing going on, so at least someone has something to say.

The All About Boys – my little sister described one of her friends as goofy and fun, but the only thing she ever wanted to talk about was ‘boys’… boys that she personally was hooking-up with or interested in… She did allow my sister to discuss her own stupid boy thoughts, and she would actually appreciate them… and would listen, but her friend mostly dominated the conversation.

The Party Pal – This is the friend that’s always up for going out. This person is almost always single. Your relationship isn’t typically super deep, but it’s thoroughly enjoyable because the friendship is based upon having fun. How can that be bad? Of course this isn’t the person you run to when times are rough, and sometimes you worry that you won’t want to go out enough… and you’ll bore them. But good times are had with the Party Pal.

The Confidante – This is the gem. This is the friend that listens and seems to genuinely care. He or she is typically self-aware… aware of what he or she likes in a friend and tries to be that person too. This person is empathetic… probably understands things about you that not many others can. They “just get it.” You can sit in silence with this person and not feel awkward. You’re in tune with one another.

The Drop Everything – Someone recently described one her friends as a person who, when you have an emergency or need a shoulder to cry on, he or she will “drop everything” to be there for you. He or she may also be the friend to pick you up from the airport. This person is many times The Confidante as well.

My sister and I realized that different friends assume different roles. You know who to go to when you’re feelin’ something. Sometimes, I’m just not in the mood for the “All About Me” friend. It drains you at times… especially if you’re in a really bad spot and want someone to listen and maybe for a second you try to confide in him or her, but you can always count on her to glaze over… and you’re reminded that he or she really is an “All About Me.”

There are times when you and a friend reverse roles… sometimes she’s the talker and you’re the listener and vice versa. This is a sign of a good friendship in my book.

I know I’m completely flawed, but I really do try to listen to my friends… and I really do care how they are. It does get frustrating when it’s not necessarily reciprocated though. But then, they are your friends because they offer something… there’s some need they fulfill whether it be pure entertainment or specific to one particular interest or something of the sort… or even that you see they’re feeling pain, and you don’t like to see anyone in pain… you want to help them.

I know that I can catch myself talking ‘all about me,’ but I then try my hardest to give them equal attention. This is another conversation in my head where I say, “wow, Miss Curious, stop monopolizing the conversation. You’re not even saying anything anyway. You’re just talking to talk.”

I know I can talk “all about boys” sometimes too… but because of my psycho-self-awareness, I often do this because I think it’s what people want to talk about. It’s easy to engage one in that realm. We’re a romance, partner, love obsessed society. It is a great distraction particularly for someone like me who’s real obsession is the pointlessness of the Big Bang and mass extinction. People would much rather talk boys than that, so that’s what I do. I’ll watch romantic comedies because they’re mindless… because they don’t remind me of reality… hahaha… I listen to songs about love not because it’s about love, but mainly because it’s about loneliness.

Anyway, these were just some weekend thoughts. I really do hope my little sister moves here instead of New York. Then, I’d have family for once in the Bay Area… and I’d have a new Confidante in this city.

Why Do I Even Care?

2007-06-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

My little sister graduated from college this week and is now visiting me. She's trying to figure out where she wants to live. Last night, for our "catching-up" night, we of course went to Cheers, Obsession's bar. Aside from getting to stare at him, the food is actually pretty amazing and the drinks are always free.

Anyway, I wondered if he had broken up with his girlfriend yet. He said to come back this month, and she'd be out. I wasn't going to ask him, but I figured if he had, he would have brought it up himself.

I introduced him to my sister... we chatted about her having graduated, what was next, and how bad the weather was. The bar was uber busy, so we didn't get to chat with him much... and his energy was just kinda' BLAH.

At the end of the night, he gave us both hugs good-bye... and that was that. I just knew the girlfriend was still in the picture... it was like he didn't want to be around me because he didn't want me to ask. If she had been gone, I know he would have been like, "I did it. I broke-up with her." He knew I was disappointed that he'd been cheating on her. His "get out of jail free" card was breaking up with her as soon as possible since he knew he wasn't into her and wasn't going to be faithful.

Even if he had broken up with her, it wouldn't have mattered really... I mean, it's not like anything would ever happen with us... it's just this stupid fantasy of mine because I can't understand why I'm still attracted to this guy after all this time... I keep thinking it means something. That there is some reason my heart continuously goes hyper-pitter-patter every fucking time.

And then there's the "there's no one else" factor... meaning there's no else I'm interested in at the moment, so it's easy to dream up love affairs with old crushes.

I think I need a couple month break from Cheers. I'm just pathetic with my useless crush... and out of sight out of mind.

FATE - SUPERSTITION (MISS CURIOUS CRAZY TALK):

Okay, I'm a woman of "see it to believe it"... I don't believe in ghosts or spirits or heaven or zodiac signs or Chinese astrology or this or that... but sometimes, just sometimes, I do think, "hmm, what a Leo." That thought is usually followed by a light chuckle at myself.

But then, sometimes I have some SERIOUS, what-ifs... some SERIOUS curiousity. This one time, at a friend's birthday, she had a palm reader... for fun, I got mine read... when the "love of your life" thing came up she said this:

- I see someone you'll be in business with, a family business.
- Pisces
- and I wished upon a toad when I was young and had come up with the name of my Prince

And well, that's all I remember... but 9 months ago, this guy came to work out of our office... his job is one where he isn't in the office often... we really clicked from the get-go even though he's the definition of "preppy" and lives in San Francisco's Marina District... I would make fun of his collared shirts, khakis, and perfect belts.

He'd make fun of me for a million things too. Naturally, he had a girlfriend... but we still had a little flirtation (bad, I know... but nothing inappropriate at all!)... he would talk to me about her, and I'd give him advice, like "stick with it... relationships aren't perfect... they take work." He confided in me about other things and did the classic, "wow, I've never told anyone that."

Anyway... he's no longer in our office, but we still do business... he writes in his emails, "I miss our office romance..." (that's the most inappropriate it's gotten) "Let's give each other songs to download that we think the other will like" are you kidding me?!?! Like, that's my favorite thing to do!!!

But then, he's the kinda' guy that dates chicks who are gorgeous by anyone's standards... the girl that gets her nails done regularly, wears whatever Tiffany's bracelet is hot at the moment, and whose clothes never seem to fade.

You know, the anti-me... who's frizzy haired and curvy and sports thrift store clothes and beyond worn out converse.

Well, he's a pisces, it's a family business... dad started, and he and his brother joined in.... and he has the toad's name.

I know it doesn't mean anything... what it means is that I'M FUCKING CRAZY. And bored. And why the fuck would I even think something like this? I mean, it's just A WEIRD THING TO THINK.

NEW LEVEL OF CRAZY.

Okay. Done with that thought. I'll stop sending him business because the more and more I talk to him the more and more I like him. Bad news. And fuck him for doing what guys with girlfriends do (ahem, Obsession) - acting like they're going to break-up.

I'm Such a HO

2007-05-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

I felt sleazy. I hadn’t meant to go back there, but sometimes I just want touch, be licked and lick. So really, who doesn’t go back for ex-sex? DV, the ex who recently invited me out of the blue to some documentary premiere with Lucas, Coppola, Eastwood, and the usual… an invite I turned down, he texted me on Friday night and said, “I already know I want you to drunk dial me tomorrow night. Ridiculous, but true.” Back in the day I was an infamous drunk dialer… oh wait, I still have tendencies.

Anyway, Saturday night he brought over a bottle of wine. We talked music for a while and watched some shit show in the background. I’m newly addicted to Listerine Breath Spray, so I sprayed it… and really, not for the obvious reason. I told him it was fun to spray stoned, curbs the munchies. He then uses a line, “you know what it’s fun for?” He then kisses me.

Fine. Fine.

We end up fucking… I wasn’t turned on… he started with the “dirty talk” which, oh so oddly, used to totally turn me on, but now it just felt awkward and forced… I made my “eeks” face as his head went down to kiss my neck.

And then I didn’t want to kiss him anymore. The next morning we messed around a little, but we didn’t kiss. Maybe he didn’t want to kiss me either because, really, it was just too intimate.

Ex-sex is so strange because you’re trying to get into it with someone you stopped being into… someone you now see right through and wonder what it was about him that made you hot at the time.

When he left in the morning, I felt kinda’ slutty. Kinda’ like I shouldn’t have done that… that it was awkward and that it was truly just for fucking purposes and not for intimacy… weird.

I soooo understand Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she voiced the rules to Richard Gere that she doesn’t kiss. Kissing is way too intimate. She can fuck for her job as a HO, but kissing was for someone she cared about.

I felt like a HO. It made me realize that I don’t want to fuck just to fuck… that I really do want the next person I sleep with to be someone I really care about. Cheeeeeeeesey, I know. But it seriously struck me.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Let’s talk about 4 am Wednesday. Since I’m pretty awesome, Jackie-O asked me to be her wing-woman at a show where she was going to meet up with some dude. A dude in one of her blog posts that was fucking amazing… so I was stoked to see who he is. Once we met him he ushered us backstage. I could see the appeal. He was hot. He had good style.

We met all the people in the band. Rad. They were up and coming… being promoted by an SF rock station. But young.

At the end of the show, he brought us to the bar to buy us some drinks… and hey, the bartender, a female that I’d chatted with earlier and said “please” and “thank you” to with each drink… came straight for me, and she bought my drink. I chuckled a bit when he said, “you have more pull than me.”

After the show, the party continued back at their hotel… we all got drunk and high and talked shit. We headed home around 3 am, and I had to listen to a hundred songs on my iPod before I passed out.

As fucked up and as much shit as I was talking (like how awesome my bud was), I had some good times… met some new folks… did something different that day.

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND:

I spent some time in the East Bay… fucked DV... watched romantic comedies with a friend… shopped at Amoeba… and went to brunch. Nothing too exciting. Nice though. As I move further away from my feelings for silly boys, I’m feeling comfort again in my independence… of being somewhat (haha) in control of my emotions.

Bizay - Bizay

2007-05-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

Promise I'll update soon... I've been crazy busy w/ work... and staying out 'til 4am on a weeknight's rough ;-)... details later!

Don't Touch Me There

2007-05-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

As I was cleansing the belly-button this morning, I thought about all the dudes, like 75% of them, who just love sticking their fingers in it. I fucking HATE it. They all think they've discovered some erotic zone... um, not the case for every chick. In fact, that's an immediate turn-off, and we pretty much have to start all over.

Even when I mention that I'm not a big fan, guys hands, fingers rather, still gravitate toward that hole. WRONG HOLE dude!

In fact, I remember a friend (sorry friend, but it just goes with the post) who had some guy actually try to fuck her belly-button... gross-o! Even more weird though - could it have fit in there? Sad motherfucker.

Anyway.

Crazy on So Many Levels

2007-05-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday night, big surprise, I found myself once again at Cheers. Sometimes it's just nice to say what's up to Obsession, and he always hooks me up with free top-shelf alcohol. Since he cheated on his girlfriend with me over a month ago (please note: it was unbeknownst to me, I assumed they'd broken-up, I really did), I naturally thought less of him.

I went there thinking I could easily sit on my high and mighty chair now acting above his immoral self.

But then, the second I see him, I'm fucking putty?!?! Ridiculous.

But then, he comes over and literally starts giggling... like he was a giddy high school girl. He really did.

Then I started giggling.

It was stupid. Silly stupid.

And so how the fuck is it that after all these years I still have this crazy attraction to him? I mean, I've had crushes on guys before that I've continued to see over the years, but after a while, it turned into a what the fuck was I thinking?!?!

I've had boyfriends, flings, dated whatever over the years, but everytime I go back there, there's still just a little something.

Anyway, Obsession and I decided to take a shot together, and I saw him drinking more that night than I'd ever seen... I made a comment, "wow, you're really throwing them back tonight."

He stopped and commented, "well yeah, tonight I'm going home to have 'the talk' with my girlfriend. She's moving out by the end of the month."

"Yeah right... I've heard that before."

"Come back next month, and you'll see."

I just rolled my eyes. Because even if he does, it doesn't mean anything. I mean why do I care? Hm.

So yeah, I'll always have an attraction to him, and maybe I'm writing about him or care more right now because I have no one else to think about... so really, who cares - I shouldn't care... and he's made me feel like an idiot over the years.

Whatever.

OTHER NEWS:

Okay, yeah... I'm totally psycho in other ways... I just bought tickets to Smashing Pumpkins for 4 nights. Ahh. But there's good reason... A) They're playing at the fucking Fillmore, small and awesome venue, B) You can only buy 2 tickets per show, and 2 friends wanted to go with me, so I was going to go with each, C) I personally wanted to go opening night, and neither could go that night, so that was going to be my third show... but then, after all 8 shows sold out it 5 minutes (if that long), another show went on sale, and it was earlier than the first night... so I was pissed because the whole reason I got tickets on a Sunday night was because it was the first... then, I naturally had to buy a ticket for that show too... and now I'M OFFICIALLY PSYCHOTIC!!!

And just now, they've added 2 more shows that preceed what I once again thought was opening night... but I just can't do it... because they're cracking down on scalpers, I can't sell my other ticket, so I'm missing opening night... and I'm pissed ;-).

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. And FYI - no, they're not playing the same songs every night.

So I'll continue being Miss Crazy Curious.

I Got Nothin'

2007-05-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

So really. I always need something going on... something to keep my mind from thinking about why the fuck the Big Bang happened... needed to happen... and when I have no distractions, it's bad news for Miss Curious because she'll start thinking waaaaaaaay too much.

Let's see. Tall K's going on vacation for 3 weeks, which means my drinking will cut down significantly as will my social calendar... well, maybe not the social calendar.

Fuck. I wish I had some fuck relationship. Some NSA as they call it, no strings attached shit. I wish Flava Flav wasn't such a waste... I wish things hadn't gotten complicated there... it coulda' been fun.

Bleh.

Now what?

Damn.

I'm still at work waiting for my ride to some wine bar where we drink our woes away... where we wonder why the fuck we lose sleep over our jobs and can't get a good ole' regular fuck.

I go to bars and shows and dinners and gatherings, and I have the same conversations again and again.

Can you tell I'm so fucking bored and writing complete stream of consciousness ridiculousness?

On my iTunes, See-Line Woman, Nina Simone

I still think about iBartender. I think about him because for some reason I think I always need to be thinking about someone... again, something else other than the meaning of life or lack thereof.

I think about him now in the beginning stages of some fun relationship where they want to see each other all the time... and get all giddy and shit... and I think about how it would've been cool to have been me... and not her.

I blame it on my freckles and bust.

But then, he was younger than me (or I?)... his age showed often. That's what I have to hold onto to forget about his punkass. Bleh.

And I hate all my clothes. I wish I had tons of money to buy new clothes. Damn.

What else?

Hm.

I've now pretty much decided against grad school... I decided it's too huge of a conflict of interest... yeah, trying to convince people that things matter... that they'll find their "purpose." Borrrrrrrrrrring!

Um.

I need a new goal. What oh what could be my new goal? Goal - distraction... I need somethin', and I got nothin'!!!

Silly me. Typical.

A Mad World

2007-05-16T15:28:00.000-07:00

Again, How Can I Complain:

The other night I was chatting with my cab driver, naturally. Since I’m an insane question-asker, we somehow ended up discussing how he tested positive years ago. He then went on to tell me that even worse than finding out he was positive was the morning he woke up totally hung-over and sleeping beside a strange woman. He hadn’t used protection. He hadn’t disclosed his status to the woman. He said – yeah that was hard. He did the “Dear John” letter that clinics will do if a person has trouble telling a person to their face.

But wow, can you imagine?

I simply replied in my Southern Californian accent, “wow, dude… that’s nuts. I can’t even imagine.”

Then we went on to discuss his drug problems and how he finally has it under control. Of course, he mentioned that he still does the occasional bump in the bathroom.

It was an interesting conversation to say the least. But then, he’s not the first person I’ve had that conversation with… the other wasn’t a cab driver.

Anyway, it's just these things... these things in our world... these challenges... this sadness.

Madness and Sadness:

Last night as I was listening to my tunes, I thought about my annoyance that Nine Inch Nails has yet to announce its North American Tour.

This thought then led to thoughts of people swarming amphitheaters, coliseums, stadiums, and expansive lawns all to see this band or these bands.

And when songs like Hurt are played, the thousands upon thousands of people all sing in unison,

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real…

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

People at those shows scream these lyrics… scream these lyrics as though they’re speaking solely to them… that that song was written for them… and they listen to those songs in their rooms at night and feel sadness or anger or hurt.

But when I arrive at these shows, I look around me. People are immersed in conversations drinking their Bud Lights and chuckling and flirting. They all seem happy. Yet, they all sing these sad-sad lyrics. And it's not just the Nine Inch Nails folks... it's all those kids who called in to make Johnny Cash's version of HURT top the TRL charts on MTV.

So then, is everyone hurting? Is everyone feeling alone?

We'll Give Ourselves New Names

2007-05-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the boring post... but I hadn't listened to this song in a while, and I'm now reminded as to why I love it... it's a simple song, but oh so sweet... and right now, I want someone to..........

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold
I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change,
oOo oOo...

Brand New Colony
- The Postal Service

Why Can't They Like Us Back?

2007-05-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out with Tall K after work (For those who asked about Tall K: he’s 6 feet 7 inches, gay male co-worker, I’m his first straight crush, yeay!). Anyway, at about 8:30 pm while nursing some gross drink, I decided to go get food and cab home.

As I’m waiting on the corner, who hops out of a truck with a friend? iBartender. I thought I’d seen the last of him, but I guess it’s a small city, this San Francisco.

He got out of the truck and walked swiftly toward me. “Hi Miss Curious,” he said without hesitation in his stride, and he wrapped his arms around me. For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but then, maybe that was just me and wishful thinking.

I asked how life was without the old bar… he seemed kinda’ down, but was telling himself those things that people tell themselves to get by… to justify the hard times and reassure themselves that the sadness will end soon.

He then asked, “is the bar the same without me?”

Not giving me anytime to respond, “please tell me it’s not the same. I need to know it’s not the same.”

The tone in his voice was so sweet… he was pleading… pleading for me to almost tell him that everything was going to be okay.

"Of course it's not the same." We briefly chatted a bit more.

His friend was waiting… he ran off, and I waited for my cab.

And you think you don’t care anymore about a person, but then seeing him, hurt just a little.

I stood there on the corner thinking… iBartender, don’t you remember having our lips pressed against one another’s… our tongues touching… your hands cupping my face… why couldn’t we always be like that? always do that? and then, get giddy about our music?

Such a shame.

Unreciprocated affections.

Hm.

Warning: X-Rated

2007-05-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

If you’re friends with me or even if you’re not, this may gross you out. So yeah, warning.

The idea of Flava Flav was a casual fuck-pal (I don’t like buddy). Anyway, he was so fucking good at fucking and everything involved with fucking.

Now that I’m no longer actually getting fucked, I just have the memories in which I use for masturbatory purposes.

There is one moment in particular that I’m still using:

It was a workday. Flava Flav had spent the night and needed to be out the door before me, so while he showered I continued to bury my head in my pillow.

I was lying on my stomach with my eyes closed when he returned from the shower. He sat at the edge of the bed and started rubbing the back of my thighs. He worked his way up and moved my unattractive Victoria’s Secret pink and black striped “I love kissing” underwear to the side… I was swiftly aroused… and the fingers were swiftly replaced by the tongue… HOT-HOT-HOT. I LOVE the “from the behind” licking.

Okay, so here’s what I thought was really HOT about the situation, and oddly, it’s never been done to me before… and doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I keep fantasizing about it...

As he’s going down on me from behind, the bed starts shaking. I arch my back to see what was going on, and there he was face buried in my pussy, furiously beating off.

It’s probably so HOT to me because wow, he totally gets off on goin’ down.

Anyway, I sporadically think about this during the day and get all hot and bothered… and I was thinking about it just now; hence, this post.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I clearly did the Online Dating too impulsively… like getting wasted, sleeping with some dude, and being like, “why the fuck did I do that?” the next day… so, I’ve removed myself from the site… I’m just not in the space right now… perhaps I’ll do it later when I find that I can’t get myself into some weird and ridiculous situation that occupies my mind for a week or two.

ON MY WALK TO WORK, iPOD TUNES:

Precious Things (Live Version), Tori Amos
Good Quote: “So you can make me cum, That doesn’t make you Jesus.”

Voices Carry, ‘Til Tuesday

Guess I Was Always Nuts, Awesome!

2007-05-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting on my floor listening to the new Tori Amos album, I stumbled upon an old journal of mine. Since it was fucking hilarious to read, I decided to rummage around for some others.

Here are a couple of random entries... I hadn't realized I was such a depressing individual... But then, one writes more during those moments of sadness, so really, I was probably super stoked all the time - LET'S CALL THESE RANDOM BOUTS OF STUPIDITY (well, just the depressing majority):

August 30th, 1994

Lollapalooza was amazing! I have never felt so free! So willing to do whatever my mind and body ever felt! It was as though I lived one night in my life where I didn't worry about society or about the problems I carry around. I felt like a completely different person. Almost as though my true inner self was released for one night.

(THIS EXPLAINS WHY I'M A MUSIC/CONCERT GOING ADDICT)

December 1st, 2001

Sometimes you wonder where you stumbled only to find yourself amidst a truth you wish you hadn't found. You know you'd give anything to go back to the place you were before.

Here you are 23, a college graduate if that even means anything anymore, and you're on this precipice before the rest of your life. You suddenly realize, only now, that every moment up to this point has been your life. That even at this very moment you exist. This is it. This is your life. Sure you have a great job, a great family, wonderful friends, food, shelter, but what next? What now? You've spent every second of every day preparing to live - to live that life where you're so caught up in the living that you don't even realize you're alive. That all the distractions society provides actually work.

What happens when they don't? Where instead you find yourself acutely aware of existence. You look around wondering if others see life through your same eyes. We're all put here on Earth - given consciousness - & just have to live - to make it to the end whenever that may be.

We're given minds that ask all the questions & hearts that long for the answers - but we're given no means to resolve them.

Every morning we continue to wake-up & live that day - we shop, we eat, we gossip - we do whatever it takes not to have any real thoughts.

Tell me I'm pessimistic - tell me to appreciate the taste of a raisin - tell me love makes the world go 'round - I want the distractions - I want your religious answers - I want your peace of mind - I want to be a cow grazing in the fields.

(OH MY FUCKING GOD... MISS CURIOUS - YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!!! YAWN!)

November 17th, 2003

I wish I liked this pen more... oh well... Hmm... so here I sit at Logan airport - my eyes are dry & heavy. I'm 25? Look at me - legs Indian style, converse with rainbow striped socks, headphones, and bad hair... aren't I supposed to be more sophisticated, refined? More of something I'm not?

I always thought It'd be that way... that one day I'd wake up with something more - living something more - more than this.

Quotes From Isolation In Ukraine 2000-2001:

"Maybe one day I will dance again."
One Day, The Verve

"I disagree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."
- I believe this is Voltaire

"Man, what is man? He's just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur."
- Ayn Rand

HIGH SCHOOL TO DO LIST:

1996

1. Clean fish bowl
2. Red Hot Thighs' present
3. Shopping? Layout? (I ACTUALLY WROTE LAYOUT ON A TO DO LIST?)
4. Father's Day?
5. Pack 4 Berkeley
6. Mail Br*&'s B-Day gift at Mail Boxes etc. (I ACTUALLY WROTE WHERE TO MAIL IT?)

COLLEGE TO DO LIST:

1. Clean - Room, bathrooms, vacuum
2. Call - a bunch a people
3. Buy - shoes
4. Remind R&*$y (GUY I WAS SEEING AT THE TIME) - bathing suit and not to see Shakespeare in Love

POST-COLLEGIATE TO DO LIST:

1. Pack - Tampons
2. Tape - Sarah M. Carol King Beethoven
3. Dye Hair
4. Shave
5. Ask Mom about hair products, oxy gentle (ZIT CREAM?)

ANYWAY, I SUPPOSE THIS POST IS MORE FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT... BUT THEN, THIS BLOG IS SELFISHLY FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT... MANY APOLOGIES.

I'm Kinda' Lame, I Decided

2007-05-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

I realized this morning that the Online Dating bit was truly a mere distraction... just something to do that day. The emails or winks keep rolling in, and some of them are from perfectly interesting and attractive men, but I have no real desire to make an effort.

So really, I guess I'll just sit here and do nothing about it. Besides, that chemistry thing is impossible to figure out, and you can spend all this time talking online for it only to be wasted time. And then, someone gets hurt... rather, stung, when the other person just isn't interested.

Wow. I really just don't care.

But then, I find myself incredibly bored right now.

Work's slow.

I'm not attached at any friend's hip as I normally am. I'm just kinda' hanging out by myself. Well, not by myself... but just sorta' hanging out to hang out and not connecting with anyone at the moment.

There's been a lot of staring out my bedroom window at the neon Chevrolet sign.

And so, checking to see who's viewed me, added me to their hotlist, winked at me or emailed me is a bit of a fun distraction, but really, what the fuck am I doing?

Bleh.

I'm in that, what next phase?!?!

The Joys of Online Dating

2007-05-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

Since clean slates are boring, I decided to sign up for an online dating site. Frightening, I know. But, it’ll keep things interesting for a minute.

Anyway, I’ve now had a few emails roll in, and it suddenly makes sense why some of these dudes are online dating. For instance, why have the subject of your email to me be, “You’re Not Really My Type,” and then, not include in the text of the email something like, “but, you sound awesome…” or some shit like that… instead, you go onto to write pretty much nothing that explains why I’m not your type, but you decided to email me anyway, what the fuck?

And how’s this for a nice first line: “Well, you sound like a snotty little girl. Don't ya?”
Nice try to rouse me dude, but instead all I want to email back is, “go fuck yourself!”

Or how about this one: “If you had to give up either cookies or bacon F O R E V E R, which would you choose and why?”

Um, who the fuck cares?!

Not a question that has me going – oh my god what a clever question… I just don’t know if I can respond with something as witty as that…

But the answer would be Bacon. Hands Down. I hate bacon.

Then there’s the whole “winking” phenomenon. One guy was actually pretty cute… but all his answers were:

“If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be” – In bed with you.
“What items can’t you live without?” You and me and a bed.
"What’s sexy and sexier?" – Sexy is You and Sexier is You and me in bed.

Okay dude… try Craigslist, Casual Encounters

I did reply to one email and not because he said anything particularly interesting… I responded thinking, “he seems like a normal guy… I should give a normal guy a shot, right?” Then, I felt all uninspired and couldn’t think of much to say… so instead I turned out looking like a fucking tool.

And jesus. How is it that I’m already bored?

Guess that’s why I’m online dating.

Body Rubbing

2007-05-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

There’s something so adult about having condoms in your bedside table. Since I was having some sex, I moved all my condoms from my little vibrator, lube, and condom Tupperware and put them in the drawer for convenience. The recent fucking was with Flava Flav, of course... and in the beginning he had the condoms in his wallet. He probably thought he was all adult too. It’s funny to think that at the beginning of some night he thinks to himself, better put those condoms in my wallet just in case.

I remember being a young teenager when doing “it” was such a big deal… like going up some chick’s shirt was a huge thing. And the girls who let the dudes reach down their pants were considered Ho’s… at least where I went to school.

And getting to each “base” was some laborious task. Every “base” was discussed amongst friends and those who hadn’t “gone that far” would be all wide-eyed.

Now, guys carry around condoms, and I have them all over my room. Now, we fuck on first dates or fuck our friends or fuck after meeting at some bar. Now guys have tons of chicks sliding down their dicks with relatively no work. A hand-job’s essentially nothing, hardly worth mentioning. Wild.

Sex is kinda’ crazy… I mean we take off all of our clothes and rub our naked bodies against one another and stick our tongues in each other’s mouth… and get dicks shoved up in us. And then, we lick pussy, ass, and cock. It’s weird when you really think about it.

This morning I dropped something behind my nightstand and found a condom wrapper from fucking Flava Flav, and from that, is where this post stemmed.

Clean Slates Are Borrrrrrrring

2007-05-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I just may be killing Dolly (The Truth About Cocks and Dolls) for this, but I've decided to sign-up for an online dating site. Eeks. She told me to forgo the MySpace thing, which has been fun for fucking, but never amounted to anything more.

She has 2 dates this week from the site I've too just joined, and I pretty much have to copy her and start "dating" for real? Maybe?

I'm nervous just writing this. I guess online dating's just something to do, right? Ya know, something to make things a little more interesting?

I'm all uncertain about it. Ahhh. Although I have met guys online before actually signing up and paying money for a site is kinda' nerve wracking... one never thinks that she has to meet dudes online.

Sure the stigma of online dating has gotten better, but still... ahhh. I have "eeeks" look on my face right now.

See me trying to convince myself that it's okay.

And plus, I have a happily clean slate right now... do I want to fuck everything up? Do I want to have to deal with the how do I tell him I'm not interested and the fuck, I don't think he's interested and the wow, I totally got rejected based on my photos and rubenesque body type alone or some shit like that.

Signing up for online dating means rejection for one of us is as inevitable as getting my ass fingered again at some point.

But then, hey, I could meet the man of my dreams, right? I guess deep down I don't think it's going to happen that way... but I of course shouldn't be pessimistic... I suppose I'm doing this for pure entertainment value. That's reason enough, yes?

Yikes. Eeks. Shit.

Okay, here I go.